Merlin's Loyalty
by SkyeSoul
Summary: Merlin let Morgana place a Fomorroh in his neck to get him to assassinate Arthur - But what if Merlin never let her do that, what if he was too worried about himself succeeding? Reveal!Fic, torture!Fic. Arthur and Merlin bromance, and ptsd because I'm a sicko who likes reading that stuff. Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

**I thought that Merlin letting Morgana give him this Fomorrah was a ridiculous premise, as Merlin would never let even **_**possible**_** hurt come to Arthur for any reason. This took hold of me while re-watching the episode.**

**It may continue, it may not. But here it is for your enjoyment anyways. Starts off during the episode 'A Servant of Two Masters.'**

"Fomorroh are creatures of dark magic." Merlin didn't like the sound of that. Dark magic, so dark even Morgana called it dark magic. This was decidedly one of the worst situations Merlin had been in in a long time. "Even if you cut off their heads, you cannot kill them. Another will just grow in its place." Merlin looked at Morgana with trepidation as she walked closer. "In the days of the old religion they were revered by the High Priestesses, as they allowed them to control people's minds." _Oh shit. _"Fomorroh will suck the life force out of you. Everything that makes you Merlin will be gone. And in its place will be one thought."

Didn't take a genius to figure out where she was going with that - _I'm going to have you assassinate Arthur!_ Morgana was a dangerous enemy but very predictable. More so dangerous was the Fomorroh. He could take his chances with the Fomorroh and hope Gaius could stop him, or break out right now and reveal himself to Morgana. "One thought that will grow until it's consumed you completely. One thought that will be your life's work. You will not be able to rest until it's done." If the Fomorroh took control of his magic, there is no way anybody would be able to stop him, and Merlin would never forgive himself. _Well, that decides that._ "And that one thought is simple. You must kill Arthur Pendragon."

Merlin went limp as he shouted "Onbindan!" [untie] He fell to the floor as Morgana gasped, wrenching his hand free of the ties. He scrambled around on the floor, shouting "Ådlþracu gegrind!" [force of impact] The shelf next to Morgana fell on top of her, giving Merlin time to escape the hut. He scrambled to his feet and shakily launched himself through the hut door. He got about 50 feet outside of Morgana's hut before he heard her behind him.

"Ástríce!" She shouted, throwing him across the forest. The impact shook Merlin badly, but he didn't have time to nurse his injuries. If Morgana caught him, he'd be in a much worse situation than he was before. Merlin stumbled up as he ran, dodging Morgana's spells. "Fylwérig!" [stun] He saw a bolt of light pass next to him as he slowed time to leap behind a tree. It missed him by inches.

Merlin took off running again, turning as he ran to yell "Fréosan!" [Freeze] He combined the spell with his command of time to freeze Morgana in place, but the spell missed and she kept running behind him. He saw Morgana's dress and had sudden inspiration. "Becnyttan!" [Tie/Bind] He cried, tangling Morgana's dress beneath her feet and tripping her up. Merlin didn't risk looking back to check up on her.

Merlin slowed time to allow himself to run faster from her, not letting his exhaustion getting the better of him. He knew Camelot was only 2 or 3 hours walk away from here, making it easy for Agravaine to find her. He would guess that he was in the direction of the white moutons, deep within the forests of Camelot. He ran for as long as he could, but passed out near the thick forest outside Camelot. Captivity and magical exhaustion getting the better of him, he sat down and immediately exhaustion overcame him.

He was woken not long later by none other than Gwaine. "Merlin!" He shouted joyously. "It's good to see you mate." Merlin saw the other knights of the round table behind him. "It's Morgana," Merlin said, climbing to his feet. "I found her hideout - she took me captive, I escaped. We need to get back to Arthur, capture her before she gets too far. She'll be running now that I know where she is." Gwaine's face grew serious, as did the two other knights who were with him. "Lets go," He said, as he pulled Merlin onto his horse. They rode hard and were back in Camelot within the hour.

Merlin characteristically burst into the council room. "Sire!" he said, aware of the councilmen in the room. "Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed. "It's good to see you!" Merlin waved him off before he started in on the joyful reunion routine. "It was Morgana who captured me," Merlin said. "She took me to her hideout. I escaped, but if we don't act fast she'll abandon it. If we hope to capture her, we need to leave now."

Arthur's face hardened, and he turned to the council meeting. "I'm afraid this meeting is adjourned," Arthur said shortly. They nodded in understanding. He turned to the knights of the round table. "We ride immediately. How far is the journey?"

"Not two hours if we ride hard," Merlin said in response.

"Then we leave now."

It was less than two hours later that the group arrived at Morgana's hovel. "We're here," Merlin said. "It's just inside these doors." Arthur led the group inside and pushed it open, Merlin entering behind him. "We're too late!" he exclaimed. All of Morgana's potions, poultices, books, everything was gone. The hovel was abandoned.

"Well, it's at least worth taking a look around for clues," Arthur said. As soon as all the knights got inside the small hut, they heard Morgana's voice.

"Elbogan ond clústor!" [shut and lock] The door swung shut and locked behind them. As soon as the shock registered on their faces, they heard Morgana say "Befón eac beadumægen." [contain with force] Runes drawn around the edges of the hut lit up, and a blue shimmering wall covered the inside of the hut. Morgana then emerged from a cupboard in the hovel.

"What have you done!" Arthur exclaimed. Gwaine beat against the door behind him, but the force of impact never reached the wood. Even Percival's blows did nothing, his broad fists beating usefully against the force-shield. Merlin saw Elyan try and rub out the drawn runes on the floor, but knew erasing them would do no good. More likely than not, Morgana bound this spell to herself instead of leaving them in flimsy runes. How she had set up a complex spell so quickly he had no idea, but bet that it had something to do with being a priestess.

"You know very well what I've done and what I will do," Morgana said. "Thank you Merlin, this was better than I'd ever hoped for." She smiled sinisterly at Merlin's scowl. "Oh, not only for bringing him to me," Morgana said, "But for the chance to break his heart."

Merlin's face twisted in anger at Morgana, and hurt crossed his features as he turned to Arthur. "I'm so sorry, Arthur."

Arthur put his hand up, dismissing Merlin. "You did not intend this," he said shortly. "I know you are no traitor."

"Oh, don't be so sure," Morgana crowed. "Merlin has a secret you don't know." Merlin looked at Morgana with more betrayal than he'd ever felt in his life. "Oh don't look at me like that," she spat. "After all, you hid from me too."

Merlin's face twisted in pain. "And it breaks my heart that I had to, Morgana. I blame myself for what you've become." He then turned to Arthur, eyes watering and seriousness in his gaze.

"I want you to know that whatever happens, whatever has happened and whatever will, You Know Me. You've always known me." His tone was slow and grave. Behind him, Morgana sadistically enjoyed his pain, a smirk growing on her face. "You know me. I was always and still am the clumsy idiot that brought you your breakfast, and am still happy to be your servant until the day I die. I would gladly die for you. None of it was a lie." Merlin had a tear tracking down his face.

Gwaine spoke up before Arthur could. "I'll make sure he knows." He gave Merlin a meaningful look, and Merlin momentarily entertained the idea that maybe Gwaine knew his secret already. Arthur opened his mouth and motioned to speak, but Morgana silenced him.

"Béon forswigian," [Be silent] she incanted dismissively, and the next words out of Arthur's mouth came out with no sound.

"I will tell you what is going on, dear brother." The spat the last few words. "Your precious Merlin is a sorcerer." Arthur looked at Merlin with abject disbelief written all over his face.

"No," he said. "He can't be."

"Luckily, we have a way to prove it," Morgana said. "I invented a spell myself in years past - it forces whatever magical potential a person has to the surface." Morgana smiled wickedly and powerfully. So she wouldn't just let him show Arthur herself, she was going to force him to show just how powerful he was. Well, at least Merlin wouldn't be mistaken for being on her side now because, if he knew Morgana, it wouldn't be a pleasant experience.

Arthur held up a hand. "I thought people had to study magic to learn it, and that every sorcerer made that choice." Arthur narrowed his eyes in the direction of his sister.

Morgana laughed. "This is the legacy of Uther," she spat. "Magic is a gift. You are born with it, and if you do not learn to control it it will eat you away from the inside. If you have magic and do not learn sorcerery, you harm others or die yourself."

"That is not true," Arthur said. "People make the choice for magic themselves." Arthur's tongue curled around the word 'magic'.

"If that was so, why did Uther execute children?"

Arthur fell silent as Morgana laughed. "But I digress. Let us see if your servant has magic. Oh, and Merlin?" Morgana smiled wickedly.

"This will hurt. Åcumendlicnes mægen sé drýcræftas cwylla wiðer gewill!" [Bring with force the magical well against the will.]

Merlin felt his magical core ripping up against himself. He felt his eyes burn and felt the power of his magic swirl around him. He had never brought his magic to the surface before with such force, had never even tapped a tenth of the power. He felt as if his arms and legs were being torn off of his body, and fell to the ground clutching his head. He felt screams tear from his throat as he saw his golden magic swirl around him. In his pain his magic lashed out, breaking shelves and furniture everywhere. Merlin's hands fell to the ground as he was on all fours, his head fell to the ground as he curled in on himself, the pain of his core being ripped away from his control greater than anything he felt before. He was dimly aware of his magic swirling around him in a thick golden mist, and of Morgana's wicked voice in the background. He bit his screams down to listen.

"The evidence is before your own eyes," Morgana said. "And I must say, I'm surprised at the amount of magic he has. I've never seen anyone with this much before." Arthur didn't believe her.

"You're doing this to him, somehow. I won't let you set my best friend up."

"No," Merlin panted. He looked up and his golden eyes met Arthur's. "I only use it to protect Camelot," Merlin said. He screwed up his face in pain. "I only use my magic to protect yo-" Merlin's speech cut into a scream, as Morgana threw out her hand and yelled wildly

"Ådl!" [pain] "Why do you defend Arthur so! He would have you killed, all of Camelot would have you dead!"

As if to prove her wrong, Leon drew his sword and said "Stop what you are doing, Morgana! It's purpose has been served - stop hurting Merlin." Morgana pouted.

"But it's turning out to be so much fun, watching my brother squirm. Tell me Arthur, what will you do about this sorcerer?"

"Remember Arthur," said Gwaine warningly. "Remember what he said." The knights around him looked at Arthur, clearly pleading him to stop what was being inflicted on Merlin. It seemed evident all of them, even Elyan, still trusted Merlin - at the very least, they didn't want his pain to continue. Arthur's indecision was evident on his face - it was tearing his heart apart to see his best friend being put through this but at the same time, every fibre of upbringing told him he shouldn't care now that he knew he was a sorcerer. Merlin raised his head again, tears streaming from his eyes and his cries of pain forming words meeting Arthur's gaze.

"Please… Arthur…" Merlin begged.

That was all it took for Arthur to become the deserving King of Camelot. His heart told him Merlin had done nothing wrong and that he didn't deserve this pain, and if Gwen and Camelot (And Merlin) had taught him anything, it's that his heart wouldn't lead him astray.

"Stop doing this to him, Morgana. Nobody deserves pain such as this." Arthur's voice spoke with a kingly commanding tone. Morgana cried as she broke the spell and Merlin crumpled to the floor.

"Why would you spare him and not me!" she cried. "He is just as much a sorcerer as I am!"

Arthur began defending his decision in spite of himself. "Merlin has not murdered in cold blood like you, Morgana. Merlin has never thrown any rightful ruler off of their throne, God knows why if he's a sorcerer. Merlin has never betrayed secrets of Camelot like you have." Arthur found himself believing his own words the more he went on. "If Merlin has magic he has certainly never used it for evil like you."

Morgana flung her arm out, but Merlin reached out his just in time and cried "Åsælan híe forhíe!" [Bind movement for them] She stopped moving and seemed unable to move or speak, although she was twitching and her eyes were flashing gold dangerously. Merlin quickly but shakily sat up, and cried quickly "Líesing fram befónir beadumægen!" [release from containment of force] The shield in the hovel disappeared and the runes darkened.

"Run," Merlin said shakily. Gwaine went to help him up, but Merlin brushed him off. "Morgana's going to break out of my spell any second-"

Just then, Morgana stumbled with a flash of her eyes, free, and cried "Forþ fleoge!"

The knights flew back but Merlin cried "Åþwænan!" [soften] before they hit the wall. When they hit the wall, the stumbled and were thankfully still conscious. Merlin wasted no time in flinging both of his arms out and yelling "Bealucræft bordrand!" [magic shield] A magical shield was erected in between Morgana and them, her spells hitting the shield and dissipating upon impact with the shimmering energy. However, Merlin was quickly weakening from the effort of the spell.

"Go back to Camelot!" He said with urgency to the knights. "I can deal with Morgana for now. Go, tell them she got away."

"What of you?" Gwaine asked hurriedly.

"I'll be fine," Merlin said, waving his hand. "Now go!" They saw the shield fracture for a second, and needed no more encouragement to file out the door.

Arthur was the last to leave, and even in his old age he never forgot the look Merlin gave him as he passed through the door. His eyes looked back, and despite the gold in his irises his eyes shined with a loyal sincerity, and his mouth turned upwards into his old, encouraging smile. His eyebrows pushed together as his face took on it's reassuring countenance, everything in Merlin's stance telling him that everything would turn out fine. It certainly would if Arthur had any say in it.


	2. Chapter 2

As soon as Arthur ran out the door, Morgana went to chase them, tattered dress flowing behind her as she manically chased her brother. Merlin leapt up behind Morgana and grabbed her, and tried something he had never tried before. He sped up time, and he and Morgana watched as they were gone over the horizon in less than a second, Morgana trapped in the effects of his time alterations. Merlin crumpled to the ground in exhaustion, hands gripping the forest floor.

"You have meddled in my plans too long," Morgana cried. "I will finally find some use for you!" She grabbed him and yelled "Bedyrne ús! Astýre ús þanonweard!"

Merlin felt himself being squeezed, and the next thing he knew everything went black; he was pressed very hard from all directions; he could not breathe, there were iron bands tightening around his chest; his eyeballs were being forced back into his head; his ear-drums were being pushed deeper into his skull… He gasped as they made contact with the ground beneath them. They were outside a grand and bustling city, with golden rooftops and white city walls. He felt the saltwater from the ocean roll over his skin and gazed to the sea's horizon, and thought for a displaced second that they were in a very beautiful place - although he had no idea where that may be.

Morgana herself seemed exhausted from magical exertion. "I took you a good two weeks ride away from Camelot, boy." She panted. "You won't be escaping now. Swefe nu!" Merlin's eyes rolled up into the back of his head as he knew no more.

When Merlin came to, the first thing he noticed was that his wrists and ankles were in cuffs. The second thing he noticed was that those chains sent a fire up his veins. His magic recoiled at the chains touch, and their very contact with his skin set it on fire. It felt as if many burning ants made their way under his skin, and Merlin's arms shivered in response. He opened his eyes to find someone sitting on the edge of the cell on the floor. This man had blue eyes and was bald, a tattoo of stitches around his neck and draped in blue robes. It was when he laid eyes on this man across the room that he realized he was naked.

"Morgana Pendragon," he said loudly as soon as Merlin woke.

"Who are you?" Merlin asked. The man simply regarded him with silence.

Merlin looked around the rest of the room. It looked like a standard dungeon cell, except that it had stone walls and a solid iron door. There was nowhere for light to come in, everything was sealed tight. The only light came from the two lit torches on the wall. Each giant block around the walls of the room had a different rune carved on them, though none appeared to be activated. Merlin was cuffed to the wall by his wrists and ankles. Thankfully, they left his legs bearing his weight instead of his wrists, though he could not move his legs at all. Small mercies.

_Arthur better thank me for this,_ Merlin thought to himself humorously. _I could have just let Morgana stick me with the Fomorroh and been done with it._

The door opened and Morgana walked in. It was only now that his mind decided to make him aware that he was stark naked. "Don't think about escaping," she said. "They key is enchanted," waving a glowing key at Merlin before putting it in her pocket. "How are you enjoying your accommodations?" Her voice was layered thickly with sweet sarcasm, the insanity creeping into her mind skillfully disguised.

"They're delightful, Morgana." He said dryly. Morgana's eyes lit with fury, and her hand made contact with Merlin's face. He knew that was going to be red tomorrow.

"You will treat me with respect," she ground out, "If you'd like to live."

"Yeah," Merlin said, "Why am I alive anyways? And who's that?" Merlin looked momentarily at the man against the wall.

Morgana turned away from him to contemplate the cell door. "I wouldn't be too eager to find out who he is. As for why you're alive… I need information from you."

"What would I know that you don't?" Merlin asked. "You were the King's ward, not I."

"That may well be, but I know that you didn't learn that magic from Gaius."

Merlin got offended despite himself. "Why couldn't I?"

"Gaius doesn't practice magic, and even if he did he isn't powerful enough anyways," Morgana said dismissively. "But I know who you did learn it from." She turned, her gaze piercing him.

Merlin raised his eyebrow. "I taught it to myself."

"Lies!" She screamed, her expression turning wild. "I know Gaius knows Emrys, where else could you learn to wield such power!"

Years of lying trained Merlin to keep the shock off of his face. "Emrys?" He did his best to seem unfamiliar with the name. Given that he _was _Emrys, he supposed he was quite unfamiliar with it as compared to what he should know.

"Don't play coy with me," her expression darkened. She raised her arm and slashed across his body. "Swipian!" [lash]

Merlin felt a tearing sensation across his chest, and felt blood begin to trickle onto his stomach. Did Morgana just whip him? The pain lanced throughout his chest, and he really wished he could stop the bleeding somehow.

"Morgana," the man sitting against the wall growled warningly. He seemed more annoyed than truly upset. She sighed remorsefully and composed herself.

"I know you have been learning from Emrys, Merlin. Just tell us where he is and we'll be on our way."

"I'm sure you don't need me to tell you," Merlin started with a tone, "That even if I knew what the hell you were talking about, I'd hardly tell you."

"Well then Merlin, _I_ will tell _you_ this. I have hired the aid of the Catha to get this information out of you." She motioned to the man sitting against the wall. "They are known across the five kingdoms for being the best at… information extraction, shall we say." Morgana smirked as she began to walk out, motioning dismissively to the man.

"I leave him in your hands," she said as she left the cell, handing the man the key to lock the double-sided locking door behind her.

The man then stood up and walked in front of Merlin directly, his hood obscuring his face. A look of contemplation crossed what little of his face was visible in the dim light. "The young, while strong of body, are often weak of mind," he said. "However, I can see that that is not the case with you." He folded his arms.

Merlin was filled with a sense of trepidation. He was cuffed to a wall, naked, in front of a strange man who appeared to have been hired to torture him for information. What little he knew of the practice was confined to records from the Great Purge, when Uther sought information from sorcerers. Arthur had never condoned such a cruel practice, but it seems Morgana had no such qualms. He was naked and more vulnerable than he ever had been before, his magic fighting against the enchanted cuffs he was wearing on his wrists. He didn't know if they would block his magic completely, he doubted they would, but he was also sure that the cuffs would make him pay for trying.

However, all the man did was walk up to one of the runes on the room, and touch it while incanting "On toeacan carcernþéostru." [activate in darkness] The rune flashed briefly, then returned to it's darkened state. With another wave of his hands and "Líesing" [release] Merlin was freed from his restraints on the wall. The cuffs remained on his body and he could see seats for them in the wall, while their weight pressed down on his joints. The man grabbed the two torches from their mount and took them with him, leaving Merlin in the complete darkness.

Merlin walked along the wall, trying to find the rune that the man had activated. He paced with his hand along the wall until he was at the correct rune, about three feet in height and width, the one that was activated. "Ende," [end] Merlin muttered, hoping to deactivate the rune. Instead of the rune doing anything, he felt the cuffs burn as his magic lashed out at himself. His knees weakened momentarily as his magic turned back in on itself. _So in addition to the cuffs causing a significant amount of pain all on their own, they reflect my magic_, thought Merlin. _That's… that's whatcha want_, he thought sourly. He sat down on the hard cinderblock ground and kneaded his hands against his head.

As much as he knew he needed to devise a plan of escape, it seemed he was right out of options. The cuffs on his wrists turned his magic against himself, the door was enchanted shut anyways and likely so were the walls, and he couldn't see if he wanted to either. Still, he had to try. First thing was to get these cuffs off. Merlin was indeed aware he was Emrys on some level and knew if anyone could magically overpower the cuffs, it was him. He held each of his hands over the opposing cuff, and readied himself. He had never (willingly) drawn on this much power before. "Líesing!" Merlin cried, drawing on all of his magical resources.

The backlash on himself was massive. He cried out and crumpled over, the magic refusing to leave his body and instead washing against his core. It was as if the cuffs made his body a border for his own magic, poisoning him from the outside in. He could feel the waves of his magic being reflected in on himself like water in a basin. The pain did not fade immediately, and Merlin was not eager to try again. He thought that Arthur may have actually accepted him and was eager to get back home to Camelot, but with his magic gone he was reduced to waiting for a chance to externally bust himself out of the cuffs. Surely his chance would come.

Merlin was also angry at the man them for taking his clothes. No doubt it was some psychological part of what they were putting him through, and it was designed to make him feel this way, but he was resigned to their success here. He felt bare and exposed, and immediately detested having them in the room just because of his state of undress. Luckily, they did not see fit to comment on his many scars, big circular gashes on his chest and back, lashes two feet in length lacerating his body. Morgana knew where a great many of them came from, after all.

But most of all, Merlin was already feeling the effects of being separated from his magic and from the magic of the earth. He felt drained, his core not replenishing from his surroundings. Merlin was stuck in a very bad position, already weakening from the lack of magic and surely at the strongest he would be if he stayed in this cell.

It was a little while later that Merlin began to grow tired. He had been sitting around thinking furiously about none other than Arthur's reaction. What did Arthur's speech to Morgana mean, did it mean he was forgiven? That he understood? What Merlin couldn't get out of his head was Arthur's face. A mix of hurt, pain, betrayal and awe, concern and… fright. The last thing he had ever wanted Arthur Pendragon to be was frightened of him. He hadn't wanted anyone to be frightened of him - even his enemies he would put out of their misery instead of making a fuss to frighten them.

But Merlin laid down on the hard cinderblock floor, hoping he might be able to find some sleep. It was a little while later when Merlin properly drifted off, only to be woken when a pain like lightning shot through all of his limbs, waking him up as soon as he had fallen asleep. As soon as he was awake, however, the pain stopped. Merlin looked around for a sorcerer or a threat, but found everything the same as it was. He readjusted, thinking he may have laid on the ground wrong, and went about falling asleep again.

However, the same thing happened once Merlin fell asleep again. He awoke abruptly, the pain creating soreness in his muscles. After this happened a third time, he realized what happened. The rune on the wall must have been enchanted to keep him awake, and the cuffs on his ankles must target him for this room's enchantments. It seemed he was doomed to sleeplessness. He already hadn't slept since before he was captured by bandits, and he hardly thought unconsciousness was productive in the same way that sleep was. He was captured by the bandits two days ago, and woke up in Morgana's hovel yesterday morning. He escaped yesterday evening, and that brought him to now.

Not that he had any idea when now was. He could have been unconscious down here three days, he had no way of knowing. All he knew is that he desperately wanted to sleep, but his captors disagreed. It was for another couple hours that Merlin laid down, blearily keeping himself at the edge of sleep so as to get as much rest as he could.

It was when the man entered the cell again that he sat up and realized how sleep deprived he was. The torchlight burned his eyes, and he screwed them up shut against the light. His mind worked sluggishly, and he couldn't form coherent thoughts. The man waved his arms and said "ætfónå" [attach all] the cuffs dragged him back to the wall and inserted themselves into the appropriate slot, Merlin now attached to the wall.

The man walked up and said "Forbærne hring" [flame circle] A half-circle of fire lit up around Merlin's position against the wall, making his eyes screw up against the light. The heat licked his sides, making him sweat immediately. He heard The Man begin to talk.

"Let the fire burn you, let the fire find the truth inside your mind…" He began to speak nonsense to Merlin, encouraging the truth from his mind. Merlin focused on the heat and the pain, the burning in his eyes from light and sleeplessness. He wanted so badly to sleep, to sleep in his cool bed at home. But no matter what he wanted, he would not let The Man's brainwashing get to him. He had fought too hard, given up too much to mess up now.

"Let the truth bring you relief..."

Merlin's eyes began to lose focus. The heat was confusing his mind, and he felt the scabbed and dried blood on his chest from Morgana's lash crack and bend from the heat. His throat became parched, and he would have given anything up for a cup of water.

"Let the truth of Emrys set you free.. Where is Emrys?"

Merlin blinked as he realized he was being asked a question. He wasn't quite sure what he was asked, and looked around blearily. His eyes blinked furiously against the light after having been trapped in darkness all night.

"Where is Emrys, Merlin?"

Merlin barked out a laugh, the irony of the question striking him hard in his pained, sleep-deprived state.

"Where is Emrys?"

Merlin's eyes steeled and met The Man's.

"I'll tell you nothing."

For that was the absolute truth of the matter, really. The truth was that Merlin would never let himself come to be known, for the harm it could do to Camelot. Nothing good could come of it, and his freedom certainly wasn't worth that knowledge. The flames rose, and The Man began his chant again.

"Let the truth of the flames purify and set you free…"

A long time later The Man left, Merlin sank to the floor again as he was released from his chains and left in darkness. His reward for surviving the day was another night of delirious sleeplessness, filled with thoughts of Camelot. He missed the simple things, like Gaius criticizing him for yet another foolishly contrived plan to save Camelot from the magical threat of the day. He missed Arthur's familiar jibes, and Gwen's comforting hug when Merlin's sadness peeked through his friendly mask. She may not have known what was wrong, but was always quick to help her friend when in need.

Freya was frequent to cross his mind. He found himself praying to her in the lake, talking to her about what he was going through, what he was feeling. _I just, just want this to be over_, Merlin thought. _I feel so weak for not being able to stand up to this man or break out, Freya, help! I wish I could do this on my own._ Merlin felt like a failure for not being able to escape back to Camelot to protect her. He knew that without him, Arthur was left painfully exposed. _Please let Gaius be okay,_ Merlin thought. _He made it just fine before I came to Camelot, surely he can make it just fine after. _Merlin feared for the safety of those he loved back in Camelot, Morgana surely capitalizing on his captivity.

Merlin cried for a long time, his tears making worse the burning behind his eyes.

He was beginning to lose a sense of time trapped in the cell, day after day. Always, The Man would show up to continue again his brainwashing and tactics. He never said anything but his mechanical chants. Sometimes it seemed like The Man came to see him every five minutes, other times there could have been a whole week between The Man's visits. Merlin wondered what point they were meant to serve, but he could tell that they certainly took their toll on him. With each passing day he became more and more disoriented.

Each time he left, a different rune was activated. Merlin was again allowed the mercy of sleep, only to have his nightmares plague him in waking life. He would wake up to Balinor's dead form laying on the floor of his cell. When he cried and went to hold his beloved dead father, he vanished only to have a wounded Arthur stumble across the other side of the cell. Arthur would then be replaced by Gwen, blood marring her beautiful queen's dress. Merlin quickly learned to ignore these apparitions, knowing that if he began to take them seriously his hold on reality may slip soon thereafter. The apparitions also took their toll on his soul, often keeping him up crying all night instead of sleeping, even though he now could.

The Man who came would use these runes during his 'sessions,' convincing Merlin that these things would come to pass if he remained in this state. Merlin would break down when he was alone, sincerely beginning to believe in his darkest moments that these things would come to pass had they not already. He was not fargone enough to believe that telling his identity would stop it, but he often feared for his loved one's safety even back home. Merlin could feel his grip on time slipping.

He could tell The Man was beginning to lose patience, and Merlin was expecting a change in pace sometime soon. Merlin had tried to keep count of how many times The Man visited since he initially did, but he lost track easily. They were all roughly the same, with him lighting the circle of fire and trying to brainwash him into revealing who he was. Well, that wasn't gonna work on someone as hardened against lying as Merlin. Merlin thought he could keep a lie while sleeping or delirious if he wanted to be this point easily.

Merlin contemplated escape. Gaius had told him of transportation spells not long after he came to camelot and the witch disappeared from the courtyard. He said they were extremely dangerous, and only to be attempted under the most dire circumstances if not trained - if someone did them incorrectly, you could end up without limbs or stuck inside solid objects. Gaius did teach him the words for one, though.

_"Åæþrýtnes mec cýþþ," [Take me home,] Gaius said, pointing to a page in the book. "Remember to practice the incantation very carefully for when you need it. It means "Take me home," and it will teleport you to the place that you feel most at home when you use it. It is a spell that calls to the old religion for assistance, remember that."_ Merlin was beyond glad Gaius had taught him that incantation. The moment he could get those cuffs off he certainly would use it.

Another time the man had came and left his visit, he had activated a different rune. It did not take a genius to figure out what the rune did, for as soon as it was activated a very real looking and very angry Arthur appeared in the cell. His presence emanated light in the completely dark cell. He gripped Excalibur in his hand and was poised ready for battle, steeled blue eyes trained on Merlin.

"How could you do this to me!" the apparition-Arthur roared. "You are a filthy sorcerer!" Merlin knew this was not real, and kept silent and his eyes downcast.

"Look at me!" He demanded coldly. Merlin could not disobey, and lifted his hopeless eyes towards the image of his friend. "Tell me Merlin, do you know you're a monster?"

Merlin knew he oughtn't reply, that this Arthur wasn't real, but he couldn't take the torture anymore. He was a broken man, trapped inside a cell for God knows how long and reduced to uselessness by nothing other than a pair of enchanted cuffs and a room that was built like a cage. A rational Merlin may have known that these rooms were enchanted by the strongest sorcerers around, and not even Emrys could have broken out of them unaided by a magical weapon. But Merlin was not rational; he was broken, and tears streaked down his eyes and past a throat that was raw from disuse and begging for peace.

"I know." Merlin bowed his head, his throat raspy whispering his reply. Merlin fell to the ground and curled in on himself, his arms wrapped around his head. He said no more, even when the voices of Gunivere and Lancelot joined him. Merlin fell into fitful sleep, the apparitions of his friends following him into his nightmares.

He woke to his cuffs pulling him against the wall and a circle of fire being lit yet again around his form. The fire felt new this time, as if needles were driving directly into his skin. He noticed that the fire was closer to him as he saw The Man activate another room. When he spoke, he felt as if The Man was speaking into his mind, deeper than any druid had ever done.

"You must tell me who Emrys is," The Man said, echoing in his mind. Merlin felt compelled to obey this voice, as if doing so would make everything better. He would be comfortable and happy if he did.

"No," Merlin mumbled against the voice in his head.

"It is what you should do if you wish to save them…" Merlin wanted to keep his friends safe more than anything, but knew that if Morgana knew who Emrys was, she'd kill him dead and then his friends would hardly be safe at all.

"No, Emrys will protect them…" Merlin's head twitched as he fought against the presence in his mind

"Where is Emrys?" The voice echoed around his mind, closing in on his consciousness. Merlin fought against his bindings, escaping from the invading presence in his mind. The Man stuck with this tactic for a long time, and Merlin felt as if he'd never be alone in his own mind again. He cried as he felt darkness creeping in on the edges of his brain, begging for release from the madness The Man brought on him.

"I don't know where he is… I don't know where he is… I don't know where he is…" Merlin cried this well after The Man had left him alone in the darkness of his cell.

Somehow, sometime later, someone new entered. This man looked rough around the edges, much like a bandit. He carried with him a couple knives and a whip, and set two lit torches on the wall mounts. He wore a druid's overrobe, and had a distinctly magical air about him.

"Y'know," The man said. "This is quite a good service that your captor's got going. Sells out time with his prisoners, so that we can have a little fun and help him break you too. Only rule is I've gotta stop if you tell me where Emrys is, whoever that is. So keep in mind, toy, this can all be over at your say-so."

Merlin blanched. So this guy was a completely different kind of nutcase. Hired? No, he _paid _to have time with him. Who knew where The Man found this guy.

"Åætfónå," [attach all] he incanted. The cuffs connected Merlin to the wall again in familiar fashion, stringing him up as when he was originally captured. "It seems you've held up longer than the others," he said casually. "I aim to change that. First, I'll have a little fun with my friends here," he motioned to the daggers and weapons in his tunic. He walked up real close to Merlin. "Then, I'll have a little fun with you."

His hand grabbed Merlin's upper thigh, and that was enough to make him panic. Patients who escaped from the slavers would come to Gaius and say what happened to them, predominantly women. It was not something Merlin ever thought he would have to fear, being able to defend himself from slavers easily. The threat was enough to make Merlin begin to shake and shiver in his sleep deprived, delirious state of hunger and pain.

The bandit grinned to show a mouthful of rotting teeth. "I love a little fear." He walked away again and unrolled the whip. He cracked it against the stone wall first, making Merlin jump. "I like my toys to have my marks on them before I use them," the rancid man said.

He brought the whip across Merlin's chest. It stung across the old wound from Morgana, and struck his stomach hollow from hunger with more force than he could resist. His body shook with the impact, and even just once was enough to send his mind to the brink of unconsciousness. Merlin had no desire to fight it this time, having been denied this luxury more than he could count by The Man.

"Count how many times I lash you, boy," The bandit commanded.

"No," Merlin ground out through his pain. The lash came down twice as hard this time, Merlin biting his tongue to keep from crying out.

"It'll only be worse for you if you don't," he said. The lash came down yet harder this time, reaching down all the way into his muscle. Merlin tasted blood on his tongue, most likely from his tongue, but managed to keep himself from crying out. It continued on this way for some time, Merlin not able to keep count if he tried anymore. His body fought against his will to keep him conscious - just as he was about to pass out from the pain, the bandit stopped.

"Now now, we can't have you nodding off," he said. "We haven't even had any fun yet." Merlin blanched - he had been hoping to pass out before this happened. Against his own will, he began to shiver in fear. Aside from some awkward fumblings with a beautiful young woman in Ealdor, he had never come close to anything like this. For all his power, he would have never foreseen it happening like this. He had always thought that one day, after Arthur knew him and the laws on magic were changed, he might be able to find a druid girl to love and marry...

"Líesing," the man said, Merlin dropping onto all fours from the wall. The bandit promptly kicked him in one of his wounds. "Stand up!" he barked. Merlin did no such thing, instead dropping further onto the floor. He was hardly going to aid the man in this. The bandit grabbed under his arms and roughly threw him until he was facing the other way.

Merlin would have given anything in that moment to not be himself, to be someone else. To not feel this stranger on top of him, to not feel his hands along his sides or the lump in his pants. He was too tired to fight, to in pain to do much of anything but get this over with. Merlin would have given anything to be someone else, to not be aware of the effect this man's touch was having on him, drawing blood where it shouldn't go and making him feel things he did _not _want.

Merlin was left some time later, alone and violated in the cell, spent against his will. He was dimly aware of The Man come in and release the sleeping enchantment on the cell, and as soon as he left Merlin got his first sleep in a long time. It didn't last long, as he was roughly shoved awake by another unseemly character, only to have the terrible routine performed again.

It continued on this way for some time. He didn't know how long he slept in between each person or how long each was gone, he only knew that his life was alternating between sleep and another random stranger who paid to have their way with him. And they always told him, always reminded him, "If you tell us where Emrys is it will all be over…"

Merlin certainly hoped it would soon all be over. He knew eventually he would die of starvation or lack of water, he was not given anything to eat or drink since his captivity started. He was barely an animal hanging on by a thread. Even if he did somehow get out, he didn't know how he could ever return to normalcy. Life at Camelot was a distant dream, one that fell through his hands like water when he tried to remember.

The torture with the runes on the wall and brainwashing seemed to have stopped, and Morgana and the Catha had reverted to giving him good old-fashioned hell. When he was left in the absolute darkness, though, he heard their voices in his mind. The voices of his loved ones in Camelot either damning him as the monster sorcerer, or begging him to come home and save them. Their screams as they died echoed in his mind, and Merlin became sure he would die of insanity, cold, filthy and alone in a cell in the middle of nowhere.

Some men would come, and draw on Merlin's skin with finely crafted daggers. They drew skulls and people and magic, whatever took their fancy. They would track the blades slowly up over his arms, watching as he writhed away from the pain. Some would bring freshly baked bread, and simply eat it in front of him while he could not consume it. They would entice him to fight for it, even though he would almost always lose. In the time he had been held, he had less than a loaf of bread and about half a bucket of water combined, or so he thought. After not long, he stopped even trying for food or water. He accepted that he would die in this situation, and perhaps Kilgarrah was wrong all along about his destiny. He thought it wise to hurry along the process.

For no great warlock like Emrys would ever allow himself to be caught in this position. The playthings of sick men, less than human. He no longer thought about what it may be like to escape, because these men successfully convinced him there was no escape. They told Merlin that he existed to pleasure them, and while he didn't agree, he didn't bother fighting anymore. If he didn't give them a hard time, perhaps they would leave sooner. The people who came to visit got crueler with time, men and women both arrived with tools and contraptions that they used on him for their own pleasure. Many mechanisms Merlin didn't know existed bound him in painful and visual ways, and Merlin thought perhaps he didn't want to escape if he had to live with these memories anyways. He highly doubted he'd ever be able to sire children if he did somehow escape. _Lucky that wasn't ever high on my priorities,_ thought Merlin sourly.

One thing he did not think about was the contents of a visit. They always ended the same way - Merlin fleeing his mind as far back as he could, doing his very best to ignore what was being done to his body, and what his own body was doing to him. After not long, he began to notice against his will the way his body reacted in response. He knew he didn't like any of this, that bodies simply reacted to physical stimuli, but that would not silence the larger and larger portion of his mind that insisted some sick part of him did. Sometimes, he was not allowed to flee his mind. He was kept in the present with daggers and pain, and screamed until his voice was hoarse. He begged and pleaded for it to stop, for them to satisfy themselves and be on their way. There was always the especially sick few that made sure Merlin felt a release too, enjoying the emotional pain of their captive far more than anything physical would bring. These were the true sadists, Merlin thought.

He rarely allowed himself a thought of his home, in the darkness between visits. He was abandoned to a cave, complete and utter darkness reigning in the time when he was alone. He felt insanity creep up on him day by day, darkness taking over his thoughts as well as his environment. His madness spoke in the cutting voice of his friends, criticizing him for his failure. He found he spent most of his time agreeing with them.

Merlin was shaken gently awake. "Emrys," a kindly voice said. "I've found you." Above him stood a young woman in battle clothes, many weapons peeking out from pockets in her tunic.

Merlin did not get up from where he lay. They always just moved him where they wanted him anyways.

"I am indeed, Emrys," she smiled back kindly. Merlin's eyes widened at what she called him, and he immediately stood up and backed into the wall. He tried to stop his own shaking but found he couldn't.

"Your secret is safe with me," she said seriously. "I am a druid, and have come to release you."

Merlin couldn't help but be skeptical. "Really," he said.

She responded by walking over and holding her hands over his wrist cuffs. "It is my destiny, just as yours is to guide The Once and Future King. Wágþeorl und béon fréomæg galdorcræft" [Break and be free, magic] Merlin felt the rush of power back into his veins, and felt the pain from the cuffs leave him for the first time in a long time.

"Thank you," he breathed, rubbing his wrists.

She repeated "wágþeorl und béon fréomæg" over his ankle bindings, and they too leapt free. "You must escape quickly," she said. "They will be coming now you are free."

"I know, and you as well." Merlin said. "What is your name?"

"Amalya," she said.

"Thank you Amalya. Åæþrýtnes mec cýþþ!" [Take me home] Merlin smiled at the young woman as he teleported away, hoping she would not be caught or killed for her sacrifice. He desperately prayed for the young woman's safety, and wished he could have taken her with him to save her. He trusted her to have her own plan of escape.

He incanted the spell, and felt the compression he felt when Morgana took him to this place. The darkness pressed in on him from all sides, and he felt the breath be crushed out of his lungs. He may have passed out from the additional strain but for the knowledge that he was going home. Merlin felt a gust of wind land him thankfully on his feet swaying. He opened his eyes as he fought to stay conscious.

He was standing (swaying) in the council hall, the old throne room, during what looked like a boring meeting. Geoffrey had a taxation book out in front of him, and several knights were present as well as many lords, Percival and Elyan among them. If he had to guess, he'd say they were discussing when and how to collect taxes, and how much. It was just such a normal scene laid out in front of him, except that they were all staring at him in abject shock. But Merlin knew where the spell had been aiming. Across from him, Arthur was staring at him as if he were a ghost. In his last moments before passing out, Merlin barked out a laugh.

"Of course that spell would bring me to you," he said.


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin felt dimly aware of his fall to the ground, before he was caught by a pair of strong arms. The contact stung against the wounds on his back, and the brightness of the room bit against his shut eyelids. He quickly became aware of the mutterings of the councilmen and the cries of "Merlin!" from Gwen and the knights in the room. Delirious as he'd been for so long, it was such a great noise to hear. He felt a soft fabric being wrapped around his body, distantly remembering he wasn't clothed. He cracked open his eyes to see the red of the Pendragon cloak around hims body, and looked up to see Arthur hoisting him up and carrying him to Gaius's chambers.

Merlin thought it was good to see Arthur's face looking ahead as he ran through the halls of Camelot, especially a version of Arthur that hadn't called him a monster once yet. He felt his weight being hurried through the halls, his thin frame jostling around in Arthur's grip without it being painful. He saw the familiar walls of Camelot rush by, people they passed standing in shock at Arthur rushing his servant to Gaius's chambers - not shock at how he treated Merlin, everyone knew they were best friends. Their shock was because Merlin was home.

"Hey, you're carrying me," Merlin chuckled. Merlin thought, for one, that he'd finally lost his own mind. Arthur looked down at Merlin worriedly, at the beaten, broken and _laughing _man in his arms, far too light. His collarbones jutted out from his chest, and the top ribs stood exposed on his thin frame. Lacerations and bruises, cuts and injuries covered his body and filth coated the injuries, forming a black dust over many of the infected wounds. His hair was matted and dirty, and his face looked ten years older.

"Just this once," reassured Arthur worriedly as he ran. "I won't even tease you about it." _If you make it, _Arthur thought. _No, don't think like that, of course he'll be fine._

Arthur's voice brought Merlin back to reality, and suddenly he became very aware of Arthur's contact on his skin. It made his skin crawl, and he reacted instinctively, magic throwing Arthur back a couple feet as he jumped out of Arthur's grip in the hallways outside Gaius's chambers. Merlin wrapped the cloak around himself and threw himself in an alcove as he heart Arthur get to his feet. He shivered violently against the cold stone, breathing quickly as he tried to calm himself down.

"Merlin," Arthur said soothingly from out of sight. "You need to get to Gaius, you're injured."

Merlin shook as Arthur rounded the corner, eyes meeting Merlin's form wrapped in the cloak. Merlin's eyes were wide and he shook as Arthur got onto his knees, on Merlin's level. Merlin thrust his palms against his eyes and shook harder, fear overtaking him. "No, this is another lie," he said to himself, though Arthur heard. Merlin was convinced this was another trick of the enchantments, that they were making him see things he wanted only to take them away.

The cloak fell to the side, and Arthur's eyes accidentally fell on the filth between Merlin's legs. Arthur's heart broke at the evidence, and brought his eyes back to up his panicking friend in the corner. "You're safe," Arthur said. "Nobody else will hurt you here."

Merlin brought his head up to look at Arthur with tear-filled eyes, fear blinding him and locking him up. He felt his throat tear at the pressure, and whispered "I want to be home." _This must be a dream, _Merlin thought as he saw the sunlight streaming through a high-set window. _It can't possibly be real._ Arthur's face in front of him was such a soft and welcome sight, and yet his nightmares would turn just as quickly. He didn't want to be fooled into believing the curses of the cell he was thrown in, like before.

_Arthur broke through the cell bars, Excalibur in hand and knights of the round table in tow. _

_"We've come to rescue you," Arthur said quickly, Excalibur easily breaking the cuffs that bound him in the cell. The Knights helped him up as they ran through the halls of the abandoned castle he was held in. Arthur and the others easily defeated any enemy that stood in their way, and soon they were outside the castle in the light of the setting sun. It was then that Percival and Leon set Merlin down against a tree, and Arthur drew his sword on him._

_"Arthur," Merlin said tentatively, "What are you doing?"_

_"Really," Arthur drawled, twirling his sword in his hand. "You wouldn't think I would let a monster like you live?"_

_Arthur brought Excalibur down, and just before it made contact Merlin woke from the hyper-realistic nightmare, hands happy to feel the dirt beneath his fingers, because it meant that he was still alive; it meant that Arthur may not hate him._

"You are home," Arthur whispered back. Arthur saw the way Merlin was trying to calm himself, willing himself to stop shaking. There were knights he had seen, who were captured by sorcerers and bandits and held for months or years before returned home. They had acted in some of the same ways; bodies mistrusting when they were rescued, even when their minds knew they were home. However, he had never seen anyone so broken from their captivity, so unwilling to believe that their rescue was real, and silently he cursed Morgana for whatever she had done to his best friend. Arthur resolved to find her and make her pay for what she did to his best friend. "You are safe now."

"Arthur?" Merlin whispered, as if he had seen new light. His shaking ceased, and his eyebrows raised and tears filled his eyes. "Is it really you?" Merlin closed his eyes to stem the flow. This seemed so realistic, and he wanted so badly to be home. He remembered escaping, but he doubted even his own memory. Morgana and the Catha had been so clever, so cruel in breaking him.

Arthur's face lit into a smile, and that's all it took for Merlin to believe. "Yes, old friend," Arthur said kindly, smiling. "You are home."

Merlin shakily attempted to stand up, and Arthur offered his hand in assistance. Merlin looked at the hand offered, and felt far more fear than he should in taking it. _What's Arthur gonna do to me, _Merlin berated himself. Yet, the thought of reaching out and touching him frightened him more than he knew it should. The internal struggle was for naught, though, when Merlin felt one of his legs give and ended up leaning on Arthur's entire arm for support. Together, they limped the last few hallways to Gaius's chambers.

Gaius turned around at the noise, and dropped the potion he was holding out of shock at the sight he saw.

Arthur stood, holding up Merlin's weight with a pendragon cloak draped loosely around him. His hair was a matted mess of blood and other things, laying at awful angles. His face was a collection of neat, clean cuts from daggers, each having it's own collection of blood and other things caked on top of the infected wounds. Merlin's eyes were both black and his lip was split, and his nose was bent at an angle that suggested it was fractured and hastily set. His neck was it's own collection of handprints, and his chest was a patchwork of whiplashes and slices with daggers. It had it's own burn marks and purpling bruises as well, and each wound was infected and covered with dried fluids. Between his legs was torn and bruised, and Gaius's physician's eye saw the evidence of damage done there. He saw an immediate resemblance to the damage inflicted by slavers, only so much worse. One of Merlin's legs looked like it was broken and poorly set, and it did not bear Merlin's weight well.

Gaius ran over to his ward, and before he could lift him onto the table Merlin flinched backwards. He lost contact with Arthur and fell against the wall, wavering in and out of consciousness still. Merlin was afraid of being unconscious, afraid of what the bandit men would have done to him while he wasn't aware. He only needed to wake up to new, mysterious injuries and pains once to learn his lesson, and tried to keep himself conscious despite being in the safety of CameLot.

"He doesn't like to be touched," Merlin distantly heard Arthur say as he sank against the wall, shivering.

He heard Gaius's voice reply brokenly back, "I can see why." Merlin opened his eyes to see Gaius kneeling in front of him, a hand offered in assistance. "Let me help you to the table," he said.

Merlin knew he needed the help, and forced his fear down as he leant on Gaius and was laid on the table. He did not completely succeed though, as Gaius felt the man's shaking. Merlin heard bustling as the knights caught up to Arthur and Gaius, assaulting the pair with questions and concerns, and he heard Gaius turn around and say "Give the poor boy his privacy! He probably hasn't had some in a long time." Gaius drew a screen across from the table and the rest of the room, but Merlin could hear the knights of the round table milling around behind it.

Merlin was beginning to fall into a panic attack from all of the activity. His breaths caught in his throat and constricted around his neck, and his chest collapsed inwards as he fought to stay breathing evenly. He sat up shaking on the table and his emotions lashed out with magic, sending empty jars breaking against the wall. He was too panicked to notice the silence that fell from the other knights outside at the use of magic.

Gaius came towards him with a potion. "Here, drink this," He held out a bottle with a blue, thick liquid in it. He didn't hear the rest of what Gaius said.

_"Here, drink this," the ragged man said, forcing a tincture down his throat. Immediately, he felt his limbs move like molasses, and he felt his awareness dim as he struggled to make sense of his surroundings. He felt feelings assault him from all directions, as his partner forced something in his mouth. He spluttered as he choked around the flesh that had entered him, and cried as he felt himself assaulted from the other side. Merlin cried out, unable to form words…_

"No, no, please don't," Merlin begged, curled in a ball on the patients table. "Don't make me," he cried quietly. What Merlin didn't see was the way Gaius's heart broke at his ward's cries, and the way his face fell with disappointment in himself for not being able to find his surrogate son. What Merlin didn't see was the way the knights all turned away from each other as their hearts broke too at what their dear friend had been through. There had been their fair share of people who were captured by slavers or bandits and sold for money, but it had been a long time indeed since someone was done as much damage as Merlin.

Gaius knew that although this may frighten Merlin significantly, he would do himself far more damage by being allowed to be conscious and be assaulted with all these new sensations. Merlin needed sleep desperately, and here was a chance for him to finally get it. What Merlin did hear was Gaius incant "Swefe nu," and Merlin knew no more.

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"Tell me what's happened to him, Gaius." Arthur's voice said worriedly through the fog.

"I can only tell you what he physically went through, sire, and even then I think the details are only his to divulge," Gaius said professionally. Merlin felt as if he were swimming, he felt so warm and comfortable and had no desire to get up. He recognized dimly the feeling of his own bed, the texture of the covers above him and the underclothes he wore. He was thankful to have that covering for his body, and enjoyed the texture against his skin. He could feel the weight and stiffness of bandages covering his body, and dimly wondered if there was an area which wasn't covered.

Arthur must have given Gaius a look, for after a brief silence he said "Well, you already deduced the worst of it when you brought him to me. Aside from that trauma, I can only measure what was done physically to him. A great variety of physical harm was done to him, most of which was immediately evident, and I cannot begin to guess at what he suffered mentally or magically. Whoever must have had him had many weapons at their disposal - "

"But why? Why do this to him?" Arthur's inquiring voice reached Merlin's ears. "Why wouldn't Morgana just kill him?"

"We can only guess…" said Gaius knowingly. Merlin let himself sink back into sleep the first chance he got.

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Merlin came to again when he heard a voice by his bedside, his eyes still closed and unmoving. Merlin felt as if he had not enough energy even to blink, let alone open his eyes and interact with the world. Merlin thought that just this one time, the world could wait on him.

"We're so glad to have you back," Gwen's musical voice said. "We've missed you so much, Arthur the most. Did you know he began to change the laws on magic? It's no longer punishable by death, you'd be so proud of him. I know that it's not perfect, but changing a whole people's opinion takes time." Gwen prattled on for a little while on the politics of a change in the law, and why Merlin should be patient with Arthur. She need not have defended him, for Merlin's heart leapt at the news.

It must have showed on his face, for Gwen then said "Merlin, can you hear me?" Merlin did his best to give an encouraging smile, and Gwen said "I'm so glad you're alright. I wish you could wake up soon, but sleep as long as you need to." She fell quiet for a minute. "Oh, I wish I could hold your hand. Gaius said not to and I'm sure he has his reasons why, but it's still sad that I can't." She was silent for another couple seconds. "Only Arthur and Gaius know anything about what happened while you were gone, they said it was your decision to tell people. They also said it's not like they know that much either." Merlin was happy they kept the information private for him - he didn't want people to know about what happened at all. Gwen sighed. "I missed you Merlin. I miss you now. Get well soon." Merlin drifted off into sleep again, comforted by Gwen's voice. Merlin wasn't sure if it was real or not, but found he didn't much care anymore.

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He woke a third time, still beyond exhausted, to Gaius's voice coming from his bedside. "Sire, he is getting better all the time. He will wake soon, if he so chooses to." He felt Gaius's hand slip into his, flinching back but hand only moving a minute amount, and heard Gaius ask "My boy, please squeeze my hand if you can hear me." His voice sounded routine, as if he expected the same every time.

"Chooses to?" Arthur asked worriedly. Merlin squeezed Gaius's hand, struggling to wake so that he could eat and reassure Arthur. He felt hunger clawing at him from his insides, and didn't want to feel it any more. He wanted to keep sleeping, but knew that Camelot and Arthur needed him more - and Merlin wanted to be there for them.

"He responded," Gaius replied with shock, withdrawing his hand. "Merlin, come to our voice, it's time to wake up. You need to eat."

As he came to, his eyelids fluttered as he felt the pain in his body. His limbs ached as if he had been running for days, and his joints felt too locked to do anything. His magic even felt abused, settling in his limbs with a sense of stiffness. He heard Gaius run off into the next room as his eyelids floated open, seeing Arthur's concerned gaze above him, him wearing his white tunic and brown pants, hardly the part of a king.

"Shirking your kingly duties to come see me, eh?" Merlin whispered, chuckling quietly.

The sigh of relief Arthur gave was audible as a smile crossed his face, and Gaius strode into the room with a half bowl of broth and handed it to Arthur. "Feed him this," he said, as he rushed out of the room to grab something else. Arthur raised the spoon to Merlin's lips, and siphoned the broth into his mouth. He quickly finished the portion of soup and said "I want more," to Arthur.

"Gaius," he called into the next room. "Merlin said he wants more."

"I figured," Gaius said, coming back into the room with a cup of water. He sat down on the other side of Merlin's bed and gave him the water. "You can't overfeed victims of starvation, or the food can do just as much damage as the starvation did. We must introduce him to food slowly." He said this to both Merlin and Arthur. When the water was gone, he considered Merlin with concern.

"My boy, who did this to you?" Gaius's eyes pierced Merlin, and he couldn't believe he was home again.

_"You're too weak to even escape," the phantom said to him in the darkness. Gaius's voice rang in his ears - "You can't even escape one petty sorceress. What a failure of a warlock you are."_

Merlin scrunched his eyes shut as the memory entered his mind unbidden. He was home, safe, now.

"Do we have to do this right now?" Merlin asked as his mouth went dry. He couldn't even think about his experience without falling apart, let alone talk about it.

Arthur's face turned into a frown. "Unfortunately. We just want to ask who and why, so we can make sure Morgana isn't going to try and take Camelot a third time," he said dryly.

Merlin visibly steeled himself, swallowing thickly and closing his eyes. "Morgana said…" Merlin struggled through the words, his throat dry and scratchy. "She hired… the Catha…"

Gaius blanched as he said "I suspected as much."

"Why, what are the Catha?" Arthur asked, for himself and for Merlin.

"They are known across the five kingdoms for their…. information extraction," Gaius said delicately, motioning to Merlin's still form.

Arthur turned to Merlin, and adopted a more delicate tone of voice. "Merlin, what did they want to know?" Merlin felt disgusted at the pity he perceived in his voice, and shook his head slightly in silence.

"I'll tell Gaius… later…"

Arthur frowned disapprovingly. Before he could get the information out, Gaius came to his rescue. "What they wanted to know is a question that itself will only illicit more questions, all of which Merlin should probably answer to you personally, and he is clearly too weak to do so." Arthur heard the implication; that it had something to do with his magic. Arthur was still feeling betrayed at the lies for so long, but Merlin being gone for four months in captivity banished any thought Arthur had of being truly mad at him.

In the beginning, Arthur had suspected Merlin of treachery against the crown - disappearing with Morgana right after he told Arthur seemed too perfect, but Gwaine and surprisingly Leon quickly set him straight. They knew that Merlin would never do anything at all to harm Arthur, and that there was a piece of the puzzle that was probably missing. With Merlin's surprising return, Arthur's suspicions that that was true were cemented - nobody would go through what Merlin did, even pretend that they did, for the sake of a cover.

Arthur's voice turned more quiet as he spoke to Merlin. "Did they find out what they wanted to know?"

Merlin locked his gaze with Arthur and said "Of course not," smiling slightly.

Arthur smiled back, a look of incredulity on his face. "I wouldn't have blamed you if they had," his voice returned to normal cadence.

Merlin smiled wanly as his strength faded. "How long was I… gone…?" Merlin asked softly, fading into sleep again. He struggled to keep his eyes open and on Arthur.

Arthur's face turned pained. "Four months." Guilt crossed his features. "I'm so sorry, Merlin. I'm sorry we couldn't find you." Merlin fell asleep at those last words, never getting the chance to tell Arthur he didn't blame him at all.

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When Merlin opened his eyes again, it was the middle of the night. Gwaine was asleep in the chair beside Merlin's bed, snoring loudly with his feet propped up on the edge of Merlin's bed. He reached up to feel his own injuries, and felt a variety of pastes and poultices on what was once injuries on his chest. His face was clean, and he felt dozens of scabbed-over cuts. He assumed he had been asleep for three or four days, even though he had been awake less than 10 minutes. His neck and throat felt better as the bruises faded, and Merlin's lip felt less obstructive. What Merlin couldn't help but notice was that it was dark.

_"Afraid of the dark?" Gwaine taunted. Merlin looked around, and could spot no figure in the crushing darkness of his cell. "You should be." Merlin heard a crash next to him, but when he jumped and turned he saw nothing. He heard the Dorocha rush by him, their screams piercing his mind as he ran around the edges of his cell, looking for purchase, looking for escape. He huddled in a corner of the cell, trying to quell his shaking and fear from what he knew were just apparitions of his own mind..._

Merlin jumped and shivered, his magic lighting the candle on his bedside of it's own accord. He wanted to curl up and cry, but was aware of Gwaine's form on the chair next to him. He didn't want to wake him, though from fear or consideration he didn't know. He felt the darkness pressing in on him from the room, making his skin feel heavy and his breath shallow. The darkness was frightening and oppressive, stealing Merlin's courage and energy away. He imagined from every corner or every crevice a cry of death emanating from it's darkness, seeing the body of a friend curled up in a shadow, pale as a ghost.

_Gwen and Arthur's bodies lay cold and pale, glowing in the cell. It was not said, but Merlin could feel that he caused their deaths, the guilt creeping into his mind. He ran over to the bodies, knowing that they weren't real and yet feeling driven just to make sure. Once he got to them, they quickly and unnaturally stood, wounds still covering their royal clothes._

_"How could you let them kill me," Gwen cried brokenly. "I thought we were friends… we were friends for years.."_

_"And yet you betrayed us! You betrayed us to sorcerers!" Arthur spat. "All magic-users are the same." He said this, as if both expecting this and disappointed._

Merlin stumbled out of bed, immediately seeking more candles. "Leoht," he murmured, creating a ball of light in his hand as he crept down into Gaius's chambers. The physician slept as Merlin slowly made his way across the room, his limbs stiff with disuse. Merlin's trek across the room was already making him tired, and he gathered the candles from the cupboard and set them on the table where Gaius and Merlin used to share meals. _God, I've been gone for four months,_ Merlin thought. _I can't believe I abandoned them that long_. He set the candles in a circle around himself, lit them and sat at the table, hunger gnawing at his stomach. He grabbed a bite of the bread sitting out, remembering what Gaius said about eating too much, although he felt like he could eat loaves of bread. He put his head in his arms as his thoughts tormented him.

_You let this happen to you,_ Kilgarrah's voice tormented in his mind. _You have failed your destiny, Merlin. You have failed me and all of your kin._ Merlin felt tears begin to slide down his face and felt a headache blossom from the emotional exertion. _How could you abandon us?_ Gwen cried. _I thought you were my friend,_ he heard Gwaine say. _I am so disappointed,_ said Percival. He couldn't bear the thoughts, and small sobs escaped his throat and echoed ominously throughout the room. He immediately quieted himself, and listened with trepidation to the silence.

Merlin didn't feel safe anymore. He was in the safest place he had ever known, and yet even now it felt exposed to his nightmares. It felt exposed to the curses the Catha placed on him, as if they still followed him around despite the fact that he was free from the cuffs, free from the cell. He was too wary of someone sneaking up behind him, forcing him down…

Merlin shuddered, forcing the thoughts out of his head. His head pressed further into his arms at the table, and he fell asleep with the candles surrounding him in the middle of the room, too tired to venture up back into bed.

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He woke later with a panicked start. Someone was touching him, picking him up, moving him. He stumbled to get away from the touch, knocking things over and hearing jugs break as he clumsily ran from the table. He ran from the contact, didn't want to be moved, didn't want to be touched, didn't want to be forced to do things…

_He felt men shove him into the floor as he fell on top of him, forcing him into the ground. Merlin fought for purchase and to get away from the oppressive weight_

_"Get off me!" Merlin shouted, still fighting the man with all of the strength he had. He hoped that if he made this difficult enough, he would simply leave him alone. All he got in return for his efforts was a black eye on top of all his others. Merlin knew that if he fought this bandit would only subdue him in the end at this point, and so he went limp as he prayed for it to be over soon. He couldn't believe this was happening to him as he felt the man above him get more and more excited, pawing at him clumsily in his haste. Merlin buried his face in his hands as the man shoved him around roughly, grabbing his now long hair and using it as leverage._

_"Now now, wouldn't want ye' running away," the man cooed with a rough voice, too much time spent smoking at the tavern. "Y'already proven y'll try."_

_Merlin's hands pawed uselessly at the stone floor, dirt building up under his fingernails as he gripped at the tiny edges of the stone. Merlin cried as silently as he could, not wanting to be punished by the man for being a girl as the others had. He felt physically empty, used up, soiled, and thrown away like a used washcloth. He was left in his position on the floor, curled up on his side as the man satisfied himself, kicking Merlin roughly before he left the cell._

_"Thanks for the fun, sweetie," the man with a harsh voice called as he walked out, leaving Merlin soiled in the pitch black room._

"Merlin!" he heard a voice call, and he ran from the sound. He felt trapped in the small room, looked for a place to hide or for shelter. He curled up under the stairs and bowed his head into his knees, hiding his face from the world. Merlin tried to make himself as small and as closed off as he could, making sure nobody would find him here or hurt him anymore.

He dimly felt himself pleading. "No, please don't, please stop, please don't do this to me…" He heard his voice come out in ragged cries, but couldn't quiet the fear and pressed further under the stairs. "Please, stop…" Merlin devolved into sobs, coming back to reality as he felt so ashamed of himself for being so weak. He opened his eyes to see Gwaine kneeling close to him, Gaius pointedly mixing tinctures across the room. Merlin buried his head in his hands again and let the sobs wrack his body as apologies started pouring out of his mouth. "I'm so sorry Gwaine, I'm so sorry I couldn't escape from them I'm sorry I'm not good enough…"

"My friend, you have nothing to be sorry for," he said somberly, staying a healthy distance away from the frightened man. He settled back on his haunches and laid his hands on his knees, on the floor with Merlin. "You should be proud of yourself - you're still here." Gwaine offered an encouraging smile.

Merlin's breath rattled as he tried in vain to breathe evenly. Merlin reached his hand up fearfully and put it over Gwaine's lungs, Gwaine's hands coming up to rest over his own. Merlin tried to match the knight's even breaths, succeeding in calming himself down and letting his hand fall. He raised his head towards his friend, thankful that Gwaine had let him even his breathing that way. "It's uncomfortable under the stairs," Merlin joked weakly. He stood up shakily, and grabbed the railing for support, falling back down to where he sat. He hung his head in shame as he asked "Gwaine, can you.." Gwaine didn't give him a chance to complete the sentence, putting Merlin's arm over his shoulders and guiding him back to the bed in his room. The sun shone through the windows, day now in full force.

"So why did you decide to fall asleep at the table?" Gwaine asked, as if it were a perfectly normal situation.

Merlin settled under the covers and said "I… wanted candles, and then I was too tired to come back up to bed once I got them." It was the truth, strictly. It wasn't like he could tell Gwaine about the crushing nature of the darkness, creeping into his mind and unsettling his very mind. He could hardly tell Gwaine he hardly had a hold on sanity…

He felt his hand on his shoulder, and jumped out of his skin and leapt up off the bed at the touch. He looked back to see Gwaine's face one of mild shock as he withdrew his hand from the air.

"Gaius did tell us not to do that after all," Gwaine joked weakly. "I promise not to shake you awake if you fall asleep at the table again."

Merlin slowly approached the bed and got settled once more, Gwaine determinedly giving Merlin his distance. "Gaius told you not to do what?" He asked quietly from exhaustion, already wanting to sink into sleep once again.

"He didn't tell us anything about what happened to you, said it was your business," He said conversationally, "But he did tell us that whatever happened to you would make you really uncomfortable with anyone touching you starting it, so to say." Gwaine's eyes fell serious with sorrow at his friend's pain. "I've been around enough to know what that means. It was bad, huh."

Merlin chuckled weakly. "You could say that." His face fell serious as the words left his mouth.

As Merlin drifted off into sleep again in his bed, he distantly heard Gwaine grumble "Can't stay awake for more than twenty minutes…" Merlin fell asleep with a smile.

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_He was pressed into a corner, with a woman towering over him holding a magically enchanted cane. She was tall, heavy-set and muscular, clearly hardened from a life on the run. He had sharp marks of pain along his sides, and was chased into a corner by her. The woman raised her arms and brought the weapon down on him again and again, mercilessly._

_"If you tell me where Emrys is, this can all be over…" She was clearly enjoying tormenting Merlin and causing him pain, and cared none whatsoever if he ended up telling her. In fact, he thought she might be a little disappointed if he did._

_"I'll tell you nothing!" Merlin spat at the woman, simultaneously bringing his arms up to defend himself. The impacts rocked his form again and again as he curled up his legs to defend his whipped and hungry core. _

_"If you don't tell me where Emrys is, I might have to make this worse for you," she said threateningly, with a voice that resembled Morgana's. Merlin responded by curling up further. He felt the impact snap his shin, and cried out with pain as he felt the bone snap and become misplaced. He tore his throat open with his cries, and grasped at the cell walls in vain._

_"Now I need to set your injury, you ungrateful whelp," she said sourly. "I would leave this if I were allowed." The woman's hand grasped roughly at his leg and set it, sending Merlin into unconsciousness from the pain._

Merlin woke with a start, covers becoming tangled in his attempt to flee his nightmare. As he woke from fright, his magic reactively lit all of the candles in his room that had been left there by someone. He dimly supposed that that wasn't going to stop. He struggled to breathe, gasps coming from his person quickly and unevenly. He noticed he was crying silently, unable to breathe through his nose as he curled up in his bed. It wasn't until after a couple of seconds that he heard the shuffling of Sir Leon waking by his bedside. Merlin immediately went stock still and stopped crying, unwilling to let the knights see him in more compromising situations than they already had.

"There's no need," Leon said, sleep still in his voice as he readjusted on his seat. "I'm here for you, after all," he said smiling. Merlin was glad he had friends as loyal as the knights, and friends he could trust completely with seeing him in this state. He had been on many adventures with the knights of the round table, and the bond he shared with even Leon or Percival was a stronger friendship than he had ever anticipated having, even going so far as to prank Gwaine with Leon.

A couple more tears leaked from his eyes as he asked, "What do you mean?" Merlin was still shaking from the nightmare he had.

Leon went silent and Merlin sensed a sobriety in his voice. "I had a brother, Breton. He was 8 years younger than me, as my parents had a tough time conceiving. He wanted to be a knight when he grew up, and I would sometimes take him on short patrols with the knights if they didn't stray too far from the city. He had strict instructions to stay out of the way if it came to combat." Leon smiled fondly, but not without sadness. "One day it did, and he didn't listen to me. He was convinced at 14 years old he could be as good as a full knight. He died in the battle that broke out astonishingly close to Camelot. If it hadn't happened, it would have been a day like any other." Leon's gaze was broken hearted as he looked at Merlin.

"Why are you telling me this?" Merlin asked. He had never heard Leon mention such a big fact before.

"Because it's okay to cry." He said it simply, without tone.

Merlin smiled as he wiped his eyes. "Can you grab me a bite of bread or broth? I'm starving."

Leon frowned. "Gaius said that you were supposed to watch how much you ate."

"The last time I ate was a single bite of bread this morning, Leon. I think I'll be alright." Merlin smiled.

Leon continued to mother hen Merlin as he stood up. "You'll be all right up here on your own?"

"Yes!"

"I'll leave the door open just in case."

Leon descended quietly down the stairs, not wanting to wake Gaius. Merlin immediately thought that it must be the middle of the night. When Leon was fully out of sight, Merlin allowed himself a couple more tears. He felt wildly pathetic for not being able to escape for _four months_, instead needing some stranger druid girl to come rescue him. He felt wildly pathetic for being abused by men and women for months, unable to defend himself from any of them. He thought that he would be unable to talk to Arthur ever again if he found out it was a woman who broke his leg, no matter how strong of a woman she may have been.

Leon returned with a bowl of cold broth and a spoon for Merlin. He handed it to him, making sure their hands didn't touch as he sat down. Merlin started at Leon contemplatively, wondering how the man under Uther's reign would react to his heating the soup.

"Yes Merlin?" Leon asked, seeing his gaze.

"Forbærne." Steam rose from the bowl as it was magically heated.

Leon did his best not to let his eyebrows climb to his hairline as he cleared his throat. "Seeing it used so casually is… disconcerting."

Merlin looked away awkwardly. "Well, Arthur's changing the laws, yeah? You're going to see it eventually anyways. Might as well start now."

Leon laughed. "It's not legal yet, Merlin."

"Are you going to arrest me?" Merlin asked with his old cheek.

"There are very few things I would arrest you for, Merlin." Leon smiled. "You always have Camelot's best interests at heart."

Silence reigned as Merlin ate his small portion of broth, the warmth filling his stomach. Merlin felt a desire to talk to Leon about his nightmare, of all people. Here in a room filled with candlelight and warm food to eat, it seemed that perhaps for a moment it was all okay and in the past. Just for a moment.

"It was a girl that broke my leg," Merlin said bluntly. "I can't ever tell Arthur."

"Why?"

"He'd never let me hear the end of it."

Leon fronde amusedly. "Arthur's a better man then that, Merlin. Besides, we may not know what happened to you, but judging by the way you came back a toddler could have broken your leg. Captivity does that to people, and nobody blames you for it."

Merlin looked up, his small portion of food finished. "You don't know what happened at all?"

"The knights know only what we can tell from your physical appearance, and the rest of the world doesn't know anything at all. Only Arthur and Gaius know the full extent of your physical injuries, and they won't tell anyone else." Leon frowned. "We've been worried about you."

Merlin spoke quietly. "Anything I tell you, like about the woman, you can tell the round table. I wouldn't want to have to repeat it anyways," he joked weakly.

Leon smiled. "I'm glad you say that, I'm rubbish at keeping secrets and they'd have figured out I knew something they didn't." Merlin knew Leon would have kept his secret if he'd asked easily. "Besides, Gaius has been jumping out of his skin with worry about not knowing."

Merlin smiled. "That sounds like him," he said. Merlin cleared his throat, and steeled himself for what he wanted to really say. He didn't want his friends not knowing what happened to him at all. He sat up and put his pillow in his lap, curling around it like a security blanket. He spoke quietly for his next words. "Morgana teleported me to a city on the ocean, a city with beautiful golden-topped buildings and a view of the ocean. I could appreciate it for the few seconds it took for her to knock me out." Merlin closed his eyes, and opened them, training them on the wood grain in the door. "I woke, chained to a wall in a dark cell - they blocked my magic somehow." The words felt strange when directed at a Knight of Camelot. "Morgana and this… strange man were there. She spoke at me for a while about her right to the throne, asked me a bunch of questions about why I'm loyal to Arthur and I spoke back to her," Merlin and Leon shared a smile. "And after she slapped me she left me alone with this man, one of the Catha." Leon's eyebrows rose straight up into his hair at that.

"Oh, I'd assumed Gaius and Arthur told you. The first thing they'd asked me was "Who did this to you you?""

"No, like I said, nothing. I've heard of the Catha, but never anything solid. Just rumors." Leon's eyes darkened. "Rumors which I assume were true."

"If rumors include attempted brainwashing, yeah." Merlin cleared his throat. "He did his best to set me on fire without killing me, and tried to brainwash me into giving him information. I'd guess it was an hour or two, but at the time it felt like days." Merlin put his head in his hands. "For a while, that's all it was with him. Inventive ways of brainwashing me." Merlin took a beat to steady his breathing. Even talking about this small sliver of what happened emotionally exhausted him. Leon patiently waited for the five or ten minutes Merlin sat in silence. Merlin absently thought Leon was a fantastic knight, and it was no wonder he was a captain.

"In the times in between, I was left alone in this cell, free to walk around in the six-by-six-by-six box they gave me. However, when they left, they took the two torches with them. I was left in complete darkness. I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face." Merlin took a deep, rattling breath. "This is where I was the entire time I was gone. I didn't realize I was gone so long until Arthur told me." Another pause. "Sometimes it only felt like days, sometimes years." Yet another long pause. "I wasn't let out for four months. The whole time I was there, I probably got two or three loaves of bread total."

After a silence, Leon said "I'm sorry you went through all that, Merlin."

Merlin laughed dryly, surprising Leon. "That's not even… not even a _fifth _of it, Leon." Merlin sighed wearily. "But, it is enough for tonight."

Leon reached out an arm, hand hovering a foot from Merlin's shoulder. Merlin nodded his permission, and Leon gently grabbed his shoulder affectionately. Merlin surprised himself when he pulled Leon in for a hug, and surprised himself further when tears started leaking again from his eyes. He thought he held it together very well for Leon's benefit, but it seemed Merlin was not as successful as he thought. Leon held Merlin as he shook silently, getting his first chance to let out the emotional turmoil from the months he endured alone. The chain mail pinched at Merlin's face and hands, but he found he didn't care at all - to be holding someone who wasn't trying to harm him was healing Merlin more than he would admit. After a long while, Merlin let go of Leon and went back under his covers.

"Thank you Leon," he said quietly, hand gesturing around. "For this."

Leon smiled kindly. "No problem Merlin. And besides, you would do the same for me."

Merlin smiled at Leon before turning around. He would for anyone, let alone his friends of the round table.


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin woke calmly to the sound of Arthur talking to the knights downstairs. The sunlight streamed in from the windows, and it was about midday from the look outside. It was the first time he'd properly seen the sun and the day in a long time, and he wanted to get a better look. He looked over to his side to ask someone, and realized that while his bedroom door was open, nobody sat in the chair behind his bed.

It was then Merlin realized he didn't want to be alone. In fact, he _really _didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to bother calling someone to help him out of bed, despite the bandaging around his hurting leg. Merlin started on his trek downstairs by grabbing his legs and swinging them one at a time over the edge of the bed, and pushed down on his end table to get himself standing. He hobbled over to the other wall, and began a slow trek down the stairs leaning on the wall for support.

He got a little ways into the room without anyone noticing, a side effect of Merlin's captivity a blessed new ability for moving in silence. "Merlin!" everyone around the table exclaimed as he came into view down the stairs. Arthur, Gwaine, Percival, Leon and Elyan's faces filled with shock, and Gaius's with exasperation.

"Don't you think you could have called for help?" Gaius chastised his ward, offering his hand for support. Merlin took it, leaning on his surrogate father.

"Can you take me to the window?" Merlin asked. "It's just…" Gaius nodded in understanding, and moved a chair in front of the window so Merlin could look out. The knights continued to give him strange looks while he did so.

"What, were you all talking about me or something?" Merlin asked as he looked at the wildflowers outside, another small bowl of broth materializing in front of him thanks to Gaius. "You're all looking at me funny." The leaves on the trees were beautiful, waving in the wind. He wished he was healed immediately, so he could mount a horse and take a ride outside, visit the magical places under Camelot's nose.

The entire group was silent for a couple seconds, and then Leon said "Well, I was telling them about what you told me."

Merlin's face stilled as his hand paused while he was eating. "Ah," he breathed, not taking his eyes off of the beautiful landscape. It had been four months since he'd gotten a solid look at the landscape outside his home.

Gwaine looked like he was about to say something else, when a messenger knocked and entered Gaius's chambers. "The messenger from Lyonesse is here," he said quickly, looking nervous just to be here. Merlin supposed it was understandable, a missing-presumed-dead servant materializing during a council meeting inches from death was pretty… gossip-worthy, at the least.

A cross look was on Arthur's features for less than a second before he wiped it away smoothly before he said "Thank you, that will be all," decisively dismissing the servant. Gwaine then gave Arthur a pointed look, which Arthur also pointedly ignored.

"What's this about then?" Merlin said, gesturing to the continued glare Gwaine gave Arthur. "Did I miss a fight?" _It was probably about me, _Merlin mused. It was not unusual for Gwaine to rush to his defense against Arthur, for things more minor than a fight really deserved.

"Apparently it's about a decision I don't have the authority to make," Gwaine said haughtily, leaning back in his chair, arms behind his head. Merlin appreciated that Gwaine didn't treat him like he was an invalid, or the whole situation as if it were delicate. When he was talking to Gwaine, things could be normal for a little while.

"Gwaine, leave it be," Arthur pressed.

"Arthur, even I think you should… you know…" Elyan said vaguely. Merlin's eyebrows scrunched in frustration, and his mouth set in a line as he peeled his eyes off of the landscape to look at the round table.

"What's going on?" he said, looking between everyone at the table, landing on Arthur and taking in the apprehension on his face.

"I didn't want to distract you from your recovery," Arthur said lamely.

"What's going on," Merlin said more decisively. After a couple seconds he warned "Arthur…"

The rest of the table and even Gaius looked at Arthur pointedly, and so he said "Oh all right. It's not that big a deal really, it's just that Olaf's army has been spotted on the northern border, and that reports of Morgana have been coming in from there as well," Arthur said. "She might be stirring up trouble. Olaf has always been our enemy and sympathetic to sorcerery."

Merlin opened his mouth to berate Arthur loudly for not telling him, then thought better of it. It wasn't like Merlin had been awake to hear. "Not a big deal, he says," Merlin grumbled good-naturedly, illiciting a laugh from Gwaine and Leon. "So, what's Morgana want?"

"Oh, the usual it seems," Arthur said. "My head on a platter, the throne for herself. She hasn't been making any big or decisive moves yet, though. One failed attempt at taking the throne seemed to teach her a lesson," Arthur said.

"As it well should!" Gwaine called, raising his mug into the air. Thankfully, at this time of day it was only water.

"Yeah, well, maybe she'll think her plan further through this time instead of being a puppet," Merlin said. "And that would _not _be good for us, because even with a half-baked plan she and Morgause managed to get their hands on an immortal army."

"This isn't the concern of a servant anyways," Arthur said, waving his hand. "You should be focusing on _getting better_ so you can return to doing my chores."

"If you think I'm ever doing your chores again, you're nuts," Merlin grumbled, finishing off the last of his food.

"What makes you think I'm letting you off the hook?" Arthur asked challengingly.

Merlin opened his mouth to reply. _Because I have magic, and you're legalizing it, and I'm Emrys? _Merlin thought. _Although, I'm not quite sure yet what being Emrys means__…_ Merlin closed his mouth again and said nothing, although the frustration must have shown on his face because Arthur pressed on.

"What?" he said.

"Because I'm an incredibly talented sorcerer and you're legalizing magic and I'll have better ways to spend my time than washing your socks." Merlin snapped at Arthur before he could stop himself.

It was at this point that everyone but Arthur and Merlin awkwardly cleared their throats.

"Well, I've gotta get some more training in before the day is over…" "Yeah, the ale at the rising sun isn't gonna drink itself…" The knights dispersed within the minute, even Gaius making an excuse about making rounds for the day, leaving Arthur and Merlin alone in the quarters.

Merlin did not realize that perhaps this would be a point of contention with the young King until everyone left and the anger on Arthur's face was poorly masked. Merlin's stomach started writhing at the look on his best friend and master's face, but said nothing.

"I may or may not harbor some resentment for being reduced to that for the better part of a decade," Merlin said quietly. "I am happy being your servant until the day I die, but I always felt that there were more productive ways to contribute."

Arthur contemplated Merlin for a couple seconds, before he asked angrily, "What makes you think I'm legalizing magic?"

_"I'd never legalize the activities of monsters," _The phantom-Arthur in Merlin's thoughts said. Merlin scrunched his eyes shut for a second and pushed away the thoughts, and if the real Arthur noticed his momentary turmoil he said nothing.

"Gwen told me," Merlin admitted lamely. "She thought I was asleep but I could hear her."

Arthur blanched. "What else did you hear?"

Merlin was immediately confused. "Nothing, really. Just Gwen for a couple minutes."

Arthur let out a breath. "Good. I… never mind." Arthur shook his head. Merlin's curiosity was piqued, but he doubted it was nothing more than Arthur admitting they were friends, like he did only when one or the other of them was on death's door. It was a behavior that sometimes frustrated him. Arthur seemed to be contemplating saying something, and ended up saying "A just king can hardly keep a law which is wrong." _And you're the one who showed me it was, _Arthur thought. "I did some research and Morgana is right, people have to learn spells but the magical talent is in people from the day they leave the womb. I can't condemn a man for how he's born, but I can condemn him for how he acts - so the eventual goal of the law is to only punish those who use magic for bad works. But it's slow going - "

" - and you have to start by changing people's opinions and gradually lessening the sentences people suffer for committing the crime, I understand," Merlin said. "Gwen told me."

Arthur nodded. "It shouldn't be long now before I can repeal it completely, actually. The people have taken to this adjustment very well and are very happy about it."

Merlin smiled. "You'd be surprised what you see when you're merely a citizen of Camelot and not it's King. People have been using magic for good in secret across the kingdom for a long time."

This made Arthur angry, though he didn't say anything. Merlin didn't like the way his stomach twisted at the visible anger on Arthur's face, but pushed his fear down and held his ground. This was a conversation he'd been wanting for a long time, and wasn't going to stop it now. Arthur visibly milled around in his own thoughts for a couple minutes, before saying "This doesn't let you off the hook," a little more angrily than he intended, leaning in towards Merlin.

Merlin immediately and without thinking leaned back farther and scooted away from Arthur, a hand brought up on the table to be ready to defend himself. Merlin had underestimated how much Arthur's anger put him on edge, underestimated how afraid he was that at any minute this situation would turn sour.

"_You lied to me for years,__" __Arthur growled. __"__I won__'__t let you get away with this!__" __Arthur drew his sword and went for Merlin, but he dodged the attack. He wasn__'__t keen to see if this enchantment__'__s attacks would land._

"_I will put sorcerers like you down!__" __He screamed, lunging at Merlin_

Merlin's fear showed through his eyes, wide at the exchange. He worked hard to keep his stance light and relaxed, to not betray the memory that invaded his mind.

Arthur immediately recoiled, saying "I'm… I'm sorry Merlin, I forgot." His face was a picture of remorse at frightening his friend.

Merlin, shaking a little for only a second, barked out a laugh. "Only you, Arthur." He shook his head as he sat on the floor.

Arthur wanted to ask why he had been so scared of his friends, very scared even for what he went through, but Arthur thought better of it. Merlin would tell him when he felt it was time. Arthur pretended to be resentful at the comment for a second before his demeanor became more serious. "I'm still so… hurt by your hiding this from me," Arthur said. He was careful to avoid words like angry or betrayed, seeing that Merlin was easily set off.

"It was my life or your feelings, Arthur." Merlin looked a little upset that Arthur was considering this a betrayal. _What choice did I have? _Merlin thought.

"I wouldn't have executed you." Arthur knew he wouldn't have, not his best friend like this.

"But you would have had to do something I definitely didn't like. Besides, I didn't want to put you in that position." After a couple moments of shocked silence, Merlin said dismissively "You had more important things to do."

"Put me in that position?" Arthur echoed. The position of having to choose between the law and his friend… it would have been an awful position. Merlin was a truly fantastic friend, that he sincerely didn't want to bring Arthur that kind of emotional pain. But then again, there could be no more important thing than being a good friend - Merlin taught him that, after all.

"I was waiting for a time when it wouldn't have been such a position," Merlin said quietly. "Perhaps in a couple years, after you saw how well the druids got along with the citizens, and maybe you were already opening up to the idea of magic. Maybe at a time when we were older and wiser, and you would have had an easier time forgiving me for hiding - would have had an easier time understanding why."

"It doesn't take a genius to see why," Arthur quietly admitted. "I was mad because I've trusted you with some of my biggest secrets ever, but my biggest secrets were nothing compared to yours. Who cares if I'm in love with a servant when you're a warlock who lives at the heart of Camelot." Arthur chuckled quietly. "Have you even had time for love?"

Merlin went deathly quiet and serious for a moment. "Only once."

Arthur matched Merlin's serious tone. "What happened to her?"

A pause. Merlin would leave this truth for later.

"She died."

Arthur's face turned to shock, imagining the pain his friend went through alone. He couldn't imagine what he'd feel if Gwen died. He looked like he wanted to ask more, so Merlin said "That is a story for later." Arthur paused, and nodded his agreement. He was very curious, but it was his friend's story to tell when he wanted to.

"So Gaius told me he couldn't tell me much about you and your…. magic, because it was your story to tell." Arthur paused. "So tell it."

The discussion he'd just had with Arthur had been nerve-wracking enough, and so Merlin said "Another time, Arthur. One serious discussion per day."

"Very well. If you won't tell me that, at least tell me how you broke your nose…" Arthur asked conversationally. Whatever else Arthur said was lost on Merlin, as the memory struck him like a baseball bat. He put his head in his hands quickly and turned away from Arthur before he could see his tears.

_"I want you to get on your knees for me, like a little slave should." The man had a suave demeanor, and clothes that spoke of wealth, all purples and reds. However, at this moment in time, his pants were not on his person and across the cell on the floor. Perhaps he was a slave trader in his own right or a noble with a hidden hobby, but Merlin found he cared little either way. Merlin only cared that he was asking something he would _not _agree to do._

_"Like hell I will," Merlin spat from his position leaning against the wall. Blood spattered on the floor as he spoke._

_"Don't make me tell you again," he growled threateningly, pulling out a dagger. "Get on your knees, or I will make you."_

_Merlin had no doubt he could make him, but he wouldn't give him the satisfaction of submitting. Merlin brought his arm up to weakly punch the man in the face, but the man grabbed his fist and used the other to break Merlin's nose. Immediately Merlin couldn't breathe, blood flowing from his nose. From his new position sitting, he felt the man roughly grab his face and set his nose, feeling his ability to breathe restored._

Merlin gasped as he cried, sucking in air to his lungs, trying very hard and failing a little to remain silent.

"Merlin?" he heard Arthur ask from the other side of the table. He sounded like Merlin was at the bottom of a well.

_"I wouldn't have fixed it, but you'll need it." He roughly shoved himself into Merlin's mouth, Merlin coughing and spluttering from the intrusion. He would have bit down or fought but for the dagger he felt coldly pressed against his throat, the man's other hand wound tightly in his hair. "If you don't behave, you'll have a bigger problem than I will," he said silkily, pleasure marring his speech. _

_Merlin tried his very best not to feel the dagger at his throat and the man in his mouth, tried his very best not to hear the moans and words of pleasure coming from the absolute stranger above him. Merlin tried his very best not to admit to himself that maybe all of these visitors to his cell were beginning to win; that Merlin was beginning to crack at the seams._

"Merlin?" By the sound of his voice, Arthur must have stood next to him at the table. Merlin slid down the floor and away from Arthur, mumbling quietly into his arms as he curled up.

_Perhaps if there hadn't have been anything in his mouth the man would have noticed Merlin begging to be released, begging to be left alone to die. Perhaps if he'd been allowed to speak, Merlin would have begged to be let go and spared this experience just this once, no matter what the cost. But as it were, nobody noticed the boy in the corner of the basement fracturing into a million broken pieces. _

_Merlin felt himself give up, and that was the first time he wished for death. There, in the corner of a prison cell, at the mercy of a slaver, the greatest warlock the world would ever see wished that death would take him then and there._

Arthur now sat in front of him, on the cold stone floor with him, arms reaching out as if seeking permission. Deep concern was written all over his features. Merlin's breaths came in short gasps as he struggled to focus on where he was now. He saw Arthur's mouth moving, but couldn't sort out the sounds entering his ears.

_He felt something fill his throat, and cried as it went down into his stomach, thankful that the intrusion in his mouth had finally been removed. He sank down onto the floor and turned away from the man as he clothed himself, a luxury Merlin was not afforded. _

_"Here, have a little food for your trouble." Merlin perked up at the mention of food, and turned to face him, ashamed of how quickly he reacted to the promise of food, even from such a disgusting man._

_He laughed at Merlin. "Like an animal," he said to nobody in particular, shaking his head. He tossed a mouthful of bread at Merlin and exited the cell. Merlin took the bread and ate it curled up in a corner of the room, facing the wall, ashamed of himself for eating when he would like nothing more than to just waste away. Waste away into nothing, and let the world forget that Merlin Emrys ever even existed at all._

Before he was quite aware of what he was doing, Merlin reached out to Arthur and hugged him tightly, tears still streaming down his face at the thought of his ordeal. The memories came on so quickly and so suddenly that it shocked him into a panic. He dimly thought that it was quid ridiculous that he was crying all over Arthur, but found he didn't much care, since it was making him feel better. One had no space for pride after an ordeal like his. He wanted nothing more than to push the memories far, far away and never feel them again. His breath rattled as he tried to stem his emotions.

As if Arthur knew what Merlin was thinking, he said "Pushing memories away only makes them worse in the long run. Even these."

The comfort from Arthur only brought his sadness back tenfold, and held onto Arthur as if he were the only thing keeping him sane in that moment. So many months he had spent waiting for Arthur to come save him, and yet at the same time Arthur was his main source of torment in those months, not the random visitors he had. It was Arthur's face that followed him to sleep at night, telling him what a monster he was. This Arthur was telling him no such thing, and was scared if he turned around this Arthur would be gone. In reaction, Merlin gripped Arthur and Arthur hugged Merlin back more tightly. Merlin's tears dried up for the most part after a couple minutes, and Merlin pulled away from Arthur and sat against the wall awkwardly, embarrassed at his display of affection. Arthur seemed embarrassed as well, but didn't regret it at all and forged on through the awkwardness.

"But to answer your question," Merlin started lightly, "I got my nose broken because - " Merlin's mouth dried suddenly, not wanting to say what he wanted Arthur to know.

" - you don't have to tell me." Arthur finished Merlin's sentence quickly. It was clear Arthur felt bad for asking the wrong question.

"I know," Merlin said. "But I want you and everyone else to know what happened to me. It's just the telling that's hard."

Arthur nodded, and Merlin paused, feeling the sticky dryness of his mouth.

"I got my nose broken because I refused to get on my knees for someone," Merlin said. Arthur smiled despite himself, it was so like Merlin; defiant to anyone. It was then Arthur noticed Merlin's demeanor had changed from one of awkward lightness to one where a cloud hung over him, Merlin's posture the picture of defeat. The next words Merlin spoke so quietly Arthur couldn't be sure he heard them.

"He got what he wanted anyways."

Merlin held a hand up to cover his eyes. Now the worst was out. "I tried to stop him…" he continued on quietly, too quietly.

Arthur held up a hand towards Merlin's shoulder, waiting for Merlin's nod, and when he received it he clasped his hand on his friend's shoulder encouragingly. "I don't think any less of you," he said simply. Merlin swallowed and nodded towards Arthur.

"I think less of me," Merlin said quietly.

"I'm not sure why," Arthur replied in kind, retracting his arm. "You were a victim of Morgana, Merlin. Of Morgana and whatever awful people she associates with now."

It struck Merlin as poetic during his captivity that if he had just saved Morgana, he would have never gone through this. It was some sort of poetic justice for the failure he had suffered over and over again in that department. "But I wasn't a victim, Arthur, it was my fault I got locked up there."

"How do you figure that?" Arthur frowned disapprovingly.

"Morgana came to me when she thought she had magic," Merlin said. "She was worried about what was happening to her. Maybe, if I'd just told her I had magic, then she wouldn't have became evil. Maybe if I'd told her I did too, she would have trusted me and talked to me about it more, and I could have convinced her that revenge wasn't the right way." Merlin dropped his legs limply and slouched in defeat. "This is what I get for not saving Morgana," he finished quietly.

"I've always wondered why you've had a hero's complex," Arthur began conversationally, "But you are _not _responsible for saving everyone. The only people who are responsible for them at the end of the day are _themselves_, Merlin. Morgana only has herself to blame for her current condition. Perhaps my father's persecution of magic or your secrecy with it drove her to one thing or another, but at the end of the day _she _is the one who made her decisions - no one else." He finished with a note of finally, booking no argument from the manservant in his presence.

Merlin nodded, silenced by his authority. "Can we go outside?" He asked. After that, he longed for the freedom the outdoors would give.

Arthur looked surprised but nodded. "I'm afraid I have to go attend to Lyonesse and the messenger now, but I'll get Gwaine to take you outside."

Merlin smiled. "I'd like that. He's the only one not treating me like an invalid."

"Right now you _are _an invalid," Arthur reminded him cheekily. "Just be glad you get people doing stuff for you!"

"You're the king, people do stuff for you all the time." Merlin smiled at the exchange.

Arthur smiled back ruefully. "Not really, since that's your job and you rarely ever do it."

"I'm too busy saving your sorry ass."

Arthur fell silent, and Merlin thought perhaps that wasn't the wisest thing to say, until Arthur replied.

"You really have been, haven't you. I always thought you were joking, saving me from dirty socks… you weren't." A touch of reality entered Arthur's eyes as he approached the doorway.

Merlin smiled as Arthur fled the scene predictably. _Yes, I really have, _thought Merlin wryly. Merlin clambered back onto the seat facing the window, enjoying the nature and watching the world pass by. Not long later, Gwaine walked in.

"Don't you all have anything better to do than dote on me?" Merlin asked humorously as Gwaine walked in, Gaius not long behind him. Merlin nodded thanks to Gaius, and he smiled as he got back to work.

"Do you remember how we all swore loyalty to Arthur when we were knighted?" Gwaine asked as he hoisted Merlin up.

"Yeah, sure," Merlin offered, leaning on Gwaine's arm for balance.

"Well, by Arthur we meant you." Gwaine flashed his trademark smile at his friend. "It's just that you two are never apart so it didn't really matter."

"You may have meant me, but I'm not sure that's true of the rest of them," Merlin said, ever humble.

Gwaine turned serious. "It is, even for Elyan. They just won't admit it. Hell, I think you've even turned Leon's loyalties."

Their trek through the castle hallways was odd, to say the least. Merlin attracted stares from everyone he passed, and he didn't think it had anything to do with his garish bandages or fresh new scarred face. No, it was the mere fact that he was alive at all. Merlin, the servant who beat all the odds, the servant rumored to have magic. Everyone gave them a wide berth, and pointedly averted their eyes as one does when trying not to stare at something.

Gwaine made an effort to keep up a stream of his usual mindless chatter through the surreal walk to the outside of Gaius's chambers. Soon they were in the alcove behind Gaius's physicians quarters, a relatively secluded place behind the castle where nobody trained or adventured. They both settled down against the castle wall, and sat and talked.

"So…" Gwaine started, unsure. Then he tackled the question head on. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Merlin opened his mouth, and Gwaine added "I mean, I pretty much figured it out. We always got out of unnatural scrapes perfectly fine, and I heard the story of how Lancelot killed a griffin, which can only be done with magic. I'm not blind, either… when we met, you were throwing plates with sorcerery. Hardly subtle." He smiled, but it didn't last. "Why didn't you trust me enough to keep your secret?"

"It's not that I didn't trust you enough," Merlin said quickly, not wanting to be interrupted. "I'd just never told anyone voluntarily before, even now. It was need-to-know. Plus, you could never accidentally give away what you didn't know." Gwaine nodded his acceptance. "I considered telling you a couple times," Merlin added. "But it just never happened, you know? Things always got in the way."

"That they do," he agreed. "So," Gwaine said after a silence, to change the subject. "We could prank Leon." A camaraderie had evolved between the two unlikely friends, an elder noble and a young commoner. They had remarkably similar personalities; they were both jovial and liked to talk, especially to each other, and they both enjoyed humor and joking around. Aside from the fact that Leon had no penchant for ale, the two were peas in a pod.

"I knew it," Merlin said, groaning. "The first thing you'd do when you find out is use it to wreak havoc. No, not until it's been legal for a long time at least."

Gwaine looked like he was going to argue, but then Merlin held up a hand. He really didn't think he should tell Gwaine this, but didn't he deserve to know?

"You could learn yourself," Merlin offered. "You have some magic, after all."

Gwaine looked incredulous, and Merlin quickly clarified. "Nothing enough to use in battle even a little, besides possibly tripping someone up, but enough to turn people's hair different colors or other petty pranks." Gwaine looked overjoyed. "Perfect! When can you teach me?"

"Not now," Merlin laughed. He pulled out the voice he used for Dragoon the Great: "The great Emrys does not teach party tricks to petty hedge wizards, after all."

"The great Emrys?" Gwaine asked skeptically.

"It's what the druids and one batty old lizard call me," Merlin clarified poorly. "I'm apparently the central object for many druidic prophecies, and while the dragon know what they are he won't tell me. Says he doesn't want to interfere with destiny's time for telling me."

"Y'know, I always heard dragons were something. Mostly dead, though. Where'd you find a live one?"

"That falls under the header of 'tragic story for another day,'" Merlin said, sighing.

"You seem to have an awful lot of those."

"That I do. But if they got Arthur to legalize magic, they were all worth it."

"I see," Gwaine said loftily.

"No, not like that," Merlin said. "I didn't do all of this just because of that… how nuts do you have to be? Nothing's worth polishing Arthur's armor that much."

Gwaine smiled and said "Except best friends." Merlin made a face, since he knew he'd been had. Gwaine turned to Merlin and said "I'd polish your armor every day if I had to." Just before Merlin could be touched by the sentiment, Gwaine said "But instead you're going to be polishing mine when you're better! With magic! Now come on, if Gaius doesn't see you back inside soon he'll have kittens."

Gwaine stood up and reached out to Merlin, and Merlin latched onto his arms as they began their hobble back into the castle.

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"I'm un-banning magic," Arthur said decisively as he swept into the room.

Merlin paused in his eating, and looked up at Arthur stunned into silence.

"And instituting the laws on magic in place before the great purge," Arthur went on. "I've been going over the records with Geoffry, and despite whatever Uther and the elders say, the time before the great purge was a prosperous and happy time. Many people from the city I have had talked to said that they would rather magic be returned to Camelot."

"Have had talked to?" Merlin asked.

"I'm proud of this one," Arthur grinned. "I had one of the squires dress up as an ex-druid and walk around the city striking up conversation and asking people about the laws. People who were old enough to remember before the great purge did not support the ban on magic, even now."

Arthur sat down at the table across from a Merlin he had stunned into silence. It had been a week now that Merlin had woken up consistently for every day, and Merlin was eating solid foods again. With Gaius's careful admonishment of visitors and conversation kept artificially light, they had managed to avoid any more triggers or incidents with Merlin. He felt that if he was given a little more time, he might get to a point where perhaps his body would not outrun his mind next time something happened. All in all, very good progress. However, Merlin knew I t was not going to last, and something told him it wouldn't last the day now.

"It makes me wonder why my father started the purge in the first place," Arthur mused. "It was a happy time when my father won Camelot from the evil sorcerers, he prosecuted only those guilt of crimes and magic made… made Camelot better, much as I am loathe to admit it." He frowned. "The crops were aided and protected with magic, people were healthy, they lived longer and had easier lives and it all ended… and I can't figure out why."

Merlin set down his spoon, settling himself for the serious discussion he stumbled into. "Arthur, do you remember how I said the serious conversations would have to wait? About my years... having magic, and all?"

The man across from Merlin furrowed his blonde eyebrows. "Yes," Arthur said. "…why?" Arthur raised his eyebrows in understanding. "You know why it started." His voice was determined to know.

_Here goes nothing,_ Merlin thought. "Do you remember when we went to Morgause and she showed you a phantom of Igraine?" Merlin didn't wait for a response. "I said she was lying because I knew if you killed Uther you would regret it. She… wasn't lying, Sire." Merlin said sire respectfully, well aware of what Arthur was about to go through - and how it was Merlin's fault. What happened was not the blind anger at Uther that he had been through once before. What happened surprised Merlin altogether.

"That was really my mother?" Arthur spoke quietly.

"I'm not sure, but I think so." Merlin spoke equally so.

"And you…" Arthur snapped up to look at Merlin. He was shaking with poorly suppressed anger when he stood up abruptly, knocking the bench over, and stormed out of the room. Merlin knew he ought be thankful that Arthur was trying not to take his anger out on the man with war-trauma, but instead he watched himself as his shaking legs strode across the floor after his best friend.

"Arthur, wait!" he called as he strode around the corner out the door, into Arthur's booming voice in the hallway.

"How could you!" He shouted and cried. "You took her from me!"

It took only one look for Merlin to turn right back around the way he came, and _run _on his legs screaming with pain back into his bedroom. He slammed the door shut and locked it behind himself, crying "Clústor!" [lock/barrier] behind him. He fell as he ran and ended up on his bed, under the covers that had been piled there during his illness.

Merlin was struggling to get enough air into his lungs. He knew this would happen; he knew something would set Arthur off and it would all fall apart on him like a house of cards. The magic alone was just the tip of the iceberg when it came to Merlin's secrets, and this was one of the more trivial ones as well in his mind. If Arthur couldn't handle this, he could never know any of his other secrets, surely.

"Merlin I'm sorry," He heard Arthur said, pulling on the door. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." Arthur sounded torn between not wanting to say those words and wanting to placate Merlin more than anything. The words came out in a strangled, emotional mess.

Merlin glanced at the door momentarily before pulling himself further under the covers, not having the heart to tell him to go away.

"_How could you lie to me like that!__" __Arthur screamed. __"__I thought we were friends! We told each other everything!__" __Merlin cried, knowing he couldn__'__t argue with the apparition in front of him. __"__I trusted you; I thought we were friends.__" __His voice now dripped with disappointment. __"__A traitorous sorcerer is all you are. If you__'__re a sorcerer, then why can__'__t you escape this lowly cell at least? I thought sorcerers were better than that,__" __he hissed. __"__How weak of you to have gotten yourself all trapped inside nothing more than a prison.__"_

Merlin cried into his pillow, aware in some part of his mind that Arthur could surely hear him outside. He didn't want Arthur seeing him like this. He confined his tears to the middle of the night after nightmares, when nobody was present (which he had even before his captivity) but now he was breaking down in the middle of the day.

"Yes, I lied to you!" He called in the general direction of the door. "Now please leave the traitor alone."

"You're hardly a traitor," he called back, curiosity steeping into his voice. "You only ever acted in Camelot's best interest." The emotion was still in his voice, but it was overwhelmed by curiosity and a gladness that Merlin was replying to him.

"You called me that," Merlin called back through the door, coming down to sit beside it. He leaned on the door where he imagined Arthur would be leaning on the other side.

"When did I - "

"In my cell." Merlin was now leaning on the door and could hear Arthur quite well through the cracks. The man had gone silent, his friend was opening up about what happened during those four months. Since Arthur had set him off a week ago, not a word had been said to anyone. "The cell was cursed to show me my deepest fears and nightmares, cursed to bring them to life right before my eyes." Arthur's silence was so profound he could actually hear it. "That's what I've been so twisted around the axel about… not any physical abuse." He said the words callously, as if removing their seriousness would also remove their truth. Arthur didn't say anything for a couple more seconds, now letting Merlin talk while he still had the wherewithal. "Every moment I wasn't being tortured by the Catha or the people he sold me to, someone was there screaming at me or dying due to my mistakes." Merlin had gone back to being unnaturally quiet. "Maybe it was you, calling me a traitor or having me burnt at the stake. Maybe it was Gwen, crying that she ever considered me a friend. Or maybe it was Gwaine, dying because I failed to save him in time." Merlin's shoulders rocked back and forth as he cried. "That part is true, you know. I never could save anyone in time. I haven't wanted to talk to you about what I've been hiding from you all these years because what I'm hiding is a truly awful tale. I dreamt about telling you but never really wanted to go through with it - the truth was too awful to bear." Merlin was crying outright now, beyond caring what Arthur thought. "So many people died."

"It's okay. It's all over now. You have us." Arthur said after a couple of seconds. After a couple more of Merlin's breath catching, he said "Please let me inside." Merlin's eyes flashed, and the lock clicked as the door swung open. Arthur came inside and sat next to Merlin, giving the man as much space as he wanted.

"Do you know all the days I spent at the tavern and missed work?" Merlin said, hiding his eyes from Arthur.

"You weren't at the tavern." Arthur smiled ruefully. "Doesn't take a genius."

Merlin smiled. "I tried to tell you once. You weren't gonna have it." He shook his head in fondness as he wiped water from his eyes.

Arthur's face pulled with guilt. "More than once. You always insinuated you were out risking your life… and I thought - "

" - I was joking." Merlin turned to look at Arthur. "I am clumsy and joke around with you a lot, Arthur, but really I am the most deadly serious person you know. I mean everything I say. If you've ever heard me say anything, joking or not, you can assume I meant it." Merlin trained his eyes on the wall across from them.

"Ironic," Arthur commented.

"Yeah," Merlin replied. A lengthy silence stretched on between the two of them, before Merlin whispered. "I've killed a lot of people, Arthur." Despite what Merlin just said about being serious, Arthur couldn't believe him. This was _Merlin_. Sensing his disbelief, Merlin followed up with "I killed the high priestess Nimue with my magic - accidentally, even. She deserved it, but I didn't mean to go so far."

"High Priestess" Arthur echoed. He knew enough to know that they could not be wounded by any mortal blade, and barring death or disease could live well beyond the lifespan of a normal human. And Merlin killed one _by accident. _"You killed one _by accident_."

"It kept Gaius alive." Merlin's voice had a finality to it, telling Arthur what he already knew - that Merlin would do anything for the ones he loved. It's where Arthur learned the trait.

"Seems you have a lot of stories to tell," Arthur smiled. "Almost every word you say these days gives me more questions."

"And one day you'll have the answers," Merlin replied. "Just not anytime soon." His voice was heavy with an age beyond his years.

Arthur frowned. "It can't have been easy to carry that around on your own." His expression belayed concern for his friend next to him.

Merlin pointedly ignored the comment. Silence stretched on, and Merlin spoke again. "I am told that I am a very powerful sorcerer, though I wouldn't know. Perhaps the most powerful who has ever walked the earth."

Arthur scoffed. Merlin, even though he was a sorcerer himself, knew little more than Arthur did about magic, since he too lived in Camelot. "No way. What gave you that idea? You may be a sorcerer, but you're still Merlin."

"The druids literally wrote prophecies about me. I'm known as Emrys in their prophecies, but I don't know much more." Merlin shrugged, as if this were an inconsequential fact.

"What makes you think those prophecies are about you?" Arthur eyed Merlin seriously. He was never one for prophecies, but enough strange encounters that Gaius warned him about taught him not to hastily judge.

"Well, there's the awkward similarities. They're about a man who helps a king bring magic back to the land, and you're a king and I'm a guy who's helping you do that... And the fact that the Druids literally call me Emrys whenever I see them."

Arthur's jaw dropped. It was hard to argue with the Druids telling him he was Emrys to his face. Again, Arthur couldn't reconcile this sorcerer of prophecy with Merlin. "But you're…. _Merlin_."

Merlin smiled in Arthur's direction. "Perhaps that's why magic chose me." He said airily.

"That was unnecessarily cryptic," Arthur commented.

"Thank an old friend of mine," Merlin said just as helpfully as before. At Arthur's look, he said "Another story for another time." Merlin then properly looked at Arthur. "I'm still Merlin. I always will be."

"I'm glad of it." Arthur didn't know much about magic, whether or not it was a conscious mind or had a will, but he knew that if it did, it clearly made the right decision.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Sire! Sire, let us in!" Leon's voice filtered in through Arthur's sleep-filled mind.

"Come in," Arthur blearily called, glad that Gwen had stayed in her separate chambers on this night and Arthur had stayed in his tunic. "What do you want, Leon?" He said with a touch of humor in his voice.

"There's a horse missing from the stables," Leon started, trepidation in his voice.

"And I needed to be woken for this?" Arthur didn't get up from where he lay, until it was proven this was urgent.

"It's Merlin's horse. And so is he."

Those words were all he needed to launch out of bed and into his chain mail. In what seemed like seconds, Arthur was down at the physicians chambers, questioning a sleepy Gaius.

"Do you know where he may have gone?" Arthur queried Gaius urgently.

"No, I do not, but it is not strange for victims of trauma to pick up strange behaviors." Gaius looked piercingly at Arthur. "We'll be seeing a lot of changes in Merlin and I think it's best if we accept them. I am sure he will be home safe soon enough and doesn't need searching out. He's capable of handling himself, after all."

"Prophesied sorcerer or not, I don't trust Merlin in the middle of the night with nothing more than a horse. We're lucky it just rained, the ground will still be wet enough to follow tracks. Let's go," he commanded to Leon and Percival, the three leaving Gaius in their wake.

Despite what he said to Arthur, he too was worried about Merlin. And if he knew his ward at all, he knew where Merlin had gone - and who he'd gone to talk to.

"Why would Merlin come all the way out here?" Percival mused. The tracks had led them off of a forest path, roughly an hour or so's ride from the city. The tracks did not take a path, and yet seemed to be going straight, as if heading to a destination - or from one.

"This is an awfully straight path for someone who's just clearing their head," Leon said carefully to Arthur. "You don't think he's been acting strange lately, do you?"

Arthur looked up at Leon skeptically. "Stranger than being a sorcerer powerful enough to tear the city to shreds and stranger than being held by Morgana and professional torturers for four months?" Leon didn't reply. "I'm afraid we don't have much of a standard to go on for that one." They returned to following the tracks in the mud.

It wasn't much longer ride until they heard something - someone - holding a conversation. Arthur gave the silent signal to dismount, and they crept towards the nearby clearing. What Arthur saw made his heart drop through the floor.

Merlin was standing by a horse, desperation written all over his features, and he was talking to the great dragon. And by god, the dragon was talking back to him. Just as Arthur looked the dragon in the eye, it looked at him and pierced him with a look filled with meaning - not long enough for Merlin to notice, but just long enough for Arthur to know that that dragon was keeping an eye on Merlin. This filled Arthur with anger, stronger than anything he'd felt in a long time. With the rashness only an adolescent man could have, he stormed out from behind the cover and started yelling at Merlin.

"How many more things are you hiding from me?!" He shouted at Merlin. "You've got the great dragon protecting you now?"

Merlin stool stock still as he turned on the spot to face Arthur. His eyes were as wide as saucers, and he looked like was ready to bolt at any second. The great dragon looked at the frightened warlock with pity.

"I am sorry the witch has done this to you, young warlock." The dragon bowed its head in his direction, and then swiveled to face Arthur. "A mighty warlock such as Emrys hardly needs my protection," Kilgarrah scoffed.

Arthur could summon no more response than to look at the dragon with frustration. "How could you ally yourself with this monster!" He yelled at Merlin, not caring that the man looked like a frightened animal. Merlin's hands wandered around aimlessly, searching for purchase in the air around him. Kilgarrah ruffled his wings indignantly.

"Because I have allied myself with you," he replied smoothly, dipping his head to the king momentarily.

Arthur turned to face the dragon. "What?" He replied blankly. And then reason hit him, and he turned to face the dragon with rage. "If you are allied with me, _dragon,_" he spat, "how could you kill so many people."

Kilgarrah dipped his head remorsefully. "I allowed my anger to get the better of me," he replied simply. "As you seem to have done now," he added thoughtfully, turning to Merlin.

Or rather, the spot where Merlin was. Both horse and man were gone, and were nowhere to be seen in the surrounding area - the tracks were erased from the muddy ground.

"My name is Kilgarrah," he added, as Arthur surveyed the empty space. Arthur turned to Kilgarrah with anger in his eyes and a finger pointed at the dragon.

"I'll sort you out later _Kilgarrah, _I have to find Merlin." Arthur deftly mounted his horse. "Merlin!" Arthur called into the nothingness.

"Why?" Kilgarrah questioned Arthur.

"Because he's my friend," spat Arthur. "Not that you would know what that is like."

Kilgarrah smiled. "I would, actually, since he is mine too." He then beat his wings against the ground and flew away quickly.

"Clearly not that much, or you'd be looking for him," Arthur commented to the silent knights behind him.

"Maybe Kilgarrah is right," said Percival with his trademark solemnity. "Merlin clearly doesn't want to be found. Let's let him return when he is ready."

Arthur kicked a nearby tree in anger. He had already lost Merlin once, and he did not want to lose Merlin again. Not to mention the man in question had hidden an entire dragon from him. "Let's go home," he snapped as he mounted his horse. As they rode away from the clearing, the knights looked back towards where Merlin stood in worry.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur woke more exhausted than he'd like, Merlin's escapade robbing the king of energy. He woke up, already frustrated by George's idiosyncrasies, when a familiar sight greeted him. Merlin, setting Arthur's clothes for the day out and tidying his room.

"Merlin." Arthur said bluntly. Last night, the man had fled and Arthur didn't know if he'd return home soon, only to find he had decided to come back to work.

"I figured you'd suffered with George long enough," he said, a grin on his face. He grabbed Arthur's shirt and threw it at his face. "Come on, royal life awaits you." As Arthur sat up and put his tunic on, Merlin said "and besides, I felt kind of bad about running away last night," a little sheepishly.

Arthur's anger bled away at Merlin's apology, as a good man's often does. "I can hardly blame you after what you've been through," he said understandingly. Then his face hardened in bitterness. "But the dragon," he said.

Merlin faced away, tears pricking his eyes. "Yes, I let him out, no, I didn't really want to, no, I didn't know what he would do, yes, I stopped him, yes, I let him live, and yes, I lied to you about your killing him." he said quickly, wanting to avoid the session of questioning.

Arthur was rendered speechless. "But how did you stop _a dragon?_" Arthur asked, chief among the questions in his mind. He was hurt by the lie, but Merlin had forewarned him that he had lied about a lot over the years. He supposed that this was among the biggest of them, at least.

Merlin was facing away from him, dirty laundry being twisted in his hands. "Balinor was my father," he said shortly.

Balinor... Balinor was the dragon lord they sought out to stop the great dragon - Kilgarrah, apparently - from ravaging Camelot. But Balinor had died... Died in Merlin's arms. And Arthur had chastised him for crying about it.

"I'm sorry," Arthur said. "I didn't know." He was again rendered speechless by the lengths of his ignorance.

Merlin turned around, an understanding smile on his face. "I've already forgiven you, Arthur, for every insensitive thing you said, whether or not you knew the full story."

"I seem to have done that a lot," he admitted wryly. "There's a new law of Camelot, and it only applies to you - no more lying about me to things. You can keep the secrets you already have until you're ready," Arthur said, holding up a finger to still Merlin's tongue, "but if anything more happens, please tell me."

Merlin nodded silently. "I only met him that one time," he admitted, acting like that somehow made the lie better. In actual fact, it only grieved Arthur more. "That sounded better in my head," Merlin admitted.

"Indeed."

"Oh, like you're so graceful with words yourself." Merlin bit back happily.

A look of offense crossed Arthur's face. "I'm the king, I'm as graceful as I want to be."

"And yet I write your speeches."

"While you were gone I wrote all of them!" Arthur lifted a finger to point at Merlin accusingly.

"And how'd they turn out?" Merlin asked, a smile playing on his face.

Arthur responded with a grimace. "Not well. Gwen started helping after a while." Merlin grinned in victory, and Arthur threw his dirty trousers at Merlin, and Merlin threw his clean ones aggressively at him right back.

A knock sounded at the door. "Arthur?" Gwen's musical voice sounded, and Arthur's face lit up with a happy smile.

"Of course you can come in Gunivere," he said, and she came through the door. Her eyes landed on Merlin in shock.

"I thought you weren't coming back to work," Gwen said, and after a piercing look from Arthur interrupting her, she added "for some time yet," hastily. Merlin noted the odd exchange.

"Yeah, well, I was getting bored sitting around all day. I can only read one book over and over for so long." Being a peasant, it was amazing he could read or write at all, let alone in two languages.

Gwen turned to Arthur. "Well, honey, shouldn't you be getting on with your duties?" She asked. "Someone is already here to see you from the Druids. She says she's looking for someone by the name of Emrys."

Arthur paused, recognizing the name from what Merlin had told him. Merlin looked frustrated for a second and said, "I have been over this with them so many times. They can't come in like that and bandy that name about." Gwen looked bemused.

"The Druids call Merlin Emrys," Arthur said by way of explanation.

She looked puzzled. "Why?"

"Story for another time," he said dismissively. He found himself saying those words a lot lately. Then Merlin paused, and went stock still and asked, "What did she say her name was?"

Gwen looked contemplative for a second. "Amalya, I think? Why?"

His eyes widened as he said, "That's the woman who saved me."

"Well then she must be rewarded handsomely!" Arthur said, fastening his cloak. "Come on, let's go meet her."

The three of them were soon in the throne room with Amalya. She was wearing traditional Druidic robes, green flowing onto the ground from her dress. Her brown hair was long and untamed behind her, half of it braided up behind her. Her face was a mixture of worry as she saw him.

Arthur dismissed his guards from the room, and turned to the pale woman. "You may speak freely here, as we now know his secret."

"Emrys," she exclaimed, falling to one knee in respect. The three others in the room were immediately baffled, and Merlin blushed quickly from embarrassment.

"There's no need, really," he said abashedly. She rose and looked at him.

"The time will come soon when you realize there is a need," she said solemnly. She then turned to face Arthur as well when she said, "An army soon marches on Camelot from Olaf's lands. It is Morgana, and she has recruited sorcerers from all over the five kingdoms to fight, as well as the whole of Olaf's army. She believes that she can overcome Emrys."

Arthur's face turned concerned. "Do you know when this will be happening?"

She frowned. "Not exactly, merely in the next couple weeks. She came to my Druid clan and asked for our support in the upcoming fight. My clan said no, and that we were loyal only to Emrys. There are many other sorcerers, even Druids, that think that Emrys has taken the wrong path."

Merlin frowned this time. "What do you mean?"

She turned to Merlin. "The prophecies state that you were to return magic to the kingdom with Arthur Pendragon. They did not state that he had to remain King. Many believed he deserved to have the throne usurped, and when you chose to show him the good of magic and forgive him instead, they were angered. They believed that you have done your job wrong and that the Pendragons deserve death."

Arthur scoffed. "Nothing new there then."

Amalya turned to Arthur. "Her army is more powerful than any she's brought to you before. She will surely be prepared for this conflict, and you will need all the help you can get to defeat her."

"I guess that settles it then," Arthur said decisively. "It's time to officially make magic legal in the kingdom. Can I ask you to bring a message back to the Druid clans in Camelot?"

Amalya smiled by way of reply, and nodded her head.

"Camelot extends the hand of friendship to them, and calls upon them for aid against the witch Morgana."

"My Lord, we would have assisted you whether you like it or not. As Emrys is loyal to you, so too are we. I am merely glad we can be openly accepted into the fighting force."

"Well return to your people, and tell them the good news about the legalization of magic. I must remain here and actually carry it out."

She turned, and went to walk from the room. Merlin stopped her, saying "Amalya... My name is Merlin. I'm... I'm very glad you made it out." Merlin's voice got a little thick. "Thank you."

She smiled, and said compassionately "I prepared for the moment, just as you had." Then she walked out of the room and headed back towards the forests.

Merlin addressed the empty space with Arthur and Gunivere. "I had magic-binding cuffs on my wrists and ankles, so even though I knew a teleportation spell I couldn't escape. She came and released me from them, even at great personal risk to herself. I teleported away, leaving her there alone with the Catha's guards. I didn't even know if she'd lived." Merlin turned his head away in shame.

Gwen spoke up first. "There was nothing you could do for her if you stayed, Merlin, you knew that."

Merlin nodded. "I did, but it doesn't blunt the pain."

Arthur spoke up. "You appeared in the council room, in the middle of the meeting. Why would a teleportation spell take you there, if I may ask?"

Merlin looked at the ceiling and brought a hand up to his neck sheepishly. "The spell I used was designed to take the caster to wherever they most felt at home. It was the easiest to perform and most low energy."

"And it brought you to the council room," Arthur asked dryly.

Gwen smacked him on the head lightly. "No, idiot," she said warmly, chuckling. "It brought him to you." Merlin still kept his eyes trained on the ceiling, or anywhere that was Arthur's gaze.

Arthur opened his mouth. "Ah," was all that came out. "Well. I have one more thing to talk to you about before you go," Arthur said to Merlin with his best voice of authority.

"Hm?" Merlin asked.

"In the time before the Great Purge, there was a court position called the court sorcerer. Their job was many and varied; improving defensive enchantments on the castle, attending to the magical community's needs, working with lawmakers when dealing with magical law, so on and so forth. Would you happen to know anyone suited for the position?"

Merlin's heart leapt and fell in the same sentence. As Arthur was talking he had hoped he would offer the position to him, but then when he finished he realized he wasn't a noble. Gwen may not have been, but Arthur was in love with her, and the knights may not have been, but the attack on Camelot was a time of undue stress - unusual decisions are usually made then.

Gwen spoke up. "You know, what, I may. He's well-respected in the magical community, and already a trusted member of the royal household," she said in a toying manner. Merlin's heart rose again.

"I think I may know who you're talking about," Arthur asked. "But I don't know if he'd want the job," he said loudly. "He seems quite happy with his current one. He told me he'd be happy to do it until the day he dies."

Merlin was outright grinning now. "Guys," he said.

"But he'd be perfect for the job," Gwen said even louder. "And I know he'd love - "

"Fine!" Merlin about shouted, grinning. "I'll do it!"

"Do what, Merlin?" Arthur said, settling back in his chair grinning equally.

"I'll... Be the court sorcerer." He said the words awkwardly, as if he had been wanting to for years and at the same time didn't want to say them at all.

"I never offered the job to you." Arthur's smile was wide.

"Prat. When do I start?"

"Tomorrow, I'll need you tell Geoffry you've accepted the position and get to rewriting the treaties with the five kingdoms, so we can propose the changes to them immediately. I'd like some thoughts or drafts by the council meeting that evening."

Merlin opened his mouth, aghast. "You've been planning this!"

Arthur smiled. "That I have. The moment I decided to legalize magic, you were the natural choice. Everyone who matters knew your position except you."

Merlin pressed his lips together, amused. "But who will do your chores?" Merlin asked, laughing.

"Someone," he said dismissively. "Anyone but George." Merlin laughed at Arthur's frustration with the man.

"I'll find a permanent replacement you'll like," Gwen said to Arthur. "And you," Gwen said, "Are no longer a peasant. Knights can technically be commoners who swore allegiance to a King, as they are in many other kingdoms, but court members are nobleman by default. So you'll be needing clothes and your own chambers."

Merlin was in a daze. "I'm a nobleman?" He mouthed.

Gwen laughed. "Yes," she replied. "Arthur bought the land the Druids live on from its previous owner to award to you. Furthermore, the chambers down the hall from Arthur and I have been cleared for you. And I need to take you to the tailors today to get come clothes fitting of one in your position."

Arthur piped up. "The ceremony is this evening, and I'll be announcing the change of laws around midday."

Merlin's mouth fell open and stayed there. Not least of all in his mind was the question of how a war-ridden boy from Ealdor was going to adjust to being a nobleman when he currently freaked out at the smallest frustration in someone's voice. "I don't think I can do this," Merlin admitted weakly.

Their faces fell into seriousness. "As far as adjusting, I got used to it in enough time," Gwen said. "You already know how to deal with many of them better than I could, since you're at Arthur's side all the time."

"But that's not what you're concerned about," Arthur said.

Merlin kept his mouth closed and said nothing.

"Give it time, Merlin. It's only been a couple of weeks. I promise in a year or two, as long as you work at it, you really will be back to normal." Merlin significantly doubted that. He was barely able to tolerate darkness, reflexively lighting candles or creating a light in any dark room he was in. Whenever someone raised their voice even a little, he was possessed with a desire to run and hide. There was no way he could sit in a council meeting with that reflex still hanging around.

"That's a year or two a significant court member sits out of every single meeting," Merlin pointed out. "I know that won't go over well."

"It will be okay. They know you went through quite an ordeal, and in five years everyone will have forgotten you sat out anyways."

Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelief, and then looked at Gwen. "Well if we're going into the upper town, Gwen, we had better leave soon before the crowds pick up." He spoke loudly, obviously wanting to change the subject and not discuss the current one in depth.

The three of them left the throne room, Arthur going his own way to deal with the busy day, and Gwen and Merlin set off for the commercial district of Camelot. Merlin was blessedly happy for the calm crowds of early morning; he didn't need set off by an accidental bump or something from the midday crowds. He hardly wanted to make a scene in the middle of the city. After a hurried walk, they soon arrived at the premier tailor for most of the nobleman in the city.

"Hello Alf," Gwen said casually to the man. She had done much business with him before.

"My lady," the kindly old man said, dipping his head. "It is always a pleasure to see you."

"And you," she replied back with all the grace of a queen. "My friend here will be named a nobleman soon, and needs the clothes to reflect the status change."

"It is indeed an occasion when a new noble family is named," the man named Alf said. "What will you choose as your family name?"

Merlin stopped in his tracks. What would he chose? Merlin felt that there was really only one logical choice, given what he was being awarded a position for. "Emrys," he said.

The man saddled him with a piercing look that made Merlin think he knew more than he let on. "Curious family name," he said pointedly. Merlin merely grinned back lopsidedly, hoping to draw attention away from the loaded name. He got the feeling this man knew its significance.

"Could you step up on this stool," he instructed Merlin. He stepped up, and the man whipped out a measure and began measuring Merlin. "You're lucky, I have some clothes made in your size that another gentleman returned, since his son didn't like them." He pulled out a pile of clothes, consisting of a tunic, pants, and a cloak.

The tunic was made of a fabric that almost shined when the light hit it the right way, making the silver come off as gold in the glint of the sun. The pants were a muted black, and the cloak's inside matched the tunic while the outside was black like the pants. They lent a mysterious air to the wearer, and while they were a far cry from Merlin's usual bright colors he found himself drawn to them.

"I love them," he said.

"I thought you might," Alf replied again as if he knew something Merlin didn't.

Merlin set the thought aside, and asked Gwen "how will I pay for them?"

"This first set of clothes is on us," Gwen said, smiling. They paid and Merlin carried the clothes back to Camelot. He and Gwen went down to the physicians chambers, to grab Merlin's meager possessions and move them to the new room in the castle.

Merlin came in to holding the pile of clothes, and the first thing out of Gaius's mouth was "So they finally told you." Gwen smiled at Gaius.

"Yea, and I'm not sure about all this," Merlin replied.

"Haven't I been telling you all these years that your time would come?" Gaius said knowingly.

"Yeah, well, it was still a long wait," Merlin replied, pretending to be surly, a grin tugging at his features. "I'm just here to bring my stuff to my new chambers," he said weakly, wandering into his room.

Just this morning, it was a normal day. As normal as any day was, these days. The candles sat strewn across his room haphazardly. His clothes occupied their usual spots along the floor, his magic book left open at the foot of his bed. He went about piling his clothes into a nearby basket, putting the book at the bottom so that no passerby would see it. He reached under the loose floorboard, and retrieved the carving of the dragon his father had given him all those years ago.


End file.
